TPS Report 9.0

TPS Report 9.0

We decided to help what was left of the Black Arrows take revenge and try and retake Fort Rennik. Desperate for volunteers we sought out the people of Turtle Ferry who seemed universally unable or unwilling to provide us with assistance. Undaunted we set out with our small group of Seekers; Grok, Valdaire, Kyra and myself (Bock and Nando stayed back to search for any other volunteers which could be found). Accompanying us were the Black Arrows Jakandros and Vale and additionally the ranger Shilelu.
We used a crude map that Jakandros had drawn of the area to launch our assault. We decided sneaking in was preferable to a frontal assault so went through some underground tunnels that Jakandros knew about behind a waterfall. Since I was the best able to scale the 10’ to the hidden cave, I was chosen to set up a rope system so that others could follow. Although I slipped and fell into the icy cold water several times, eventually I made it to the top and signaled the others to move forward. Unobserved the group passed into the fortress.
We followed the tunnel to a secret entrance that led to just outside the Ogre’s barrack area. Valdaire popped out and cast a fireball inside the barracks and on the dry wood underneath it, hopefully catching the Ogres unaware and frying more than a few. I held the secret door open for him so he could then quickly make his escape.
We then proceeded through the tunnels to the jail cells underneath the main fortress. On the way we passed several shocker lizards whom the rangers in our group managed to keep at bay with their skills with animals.
Coming to the door to the jail cell we made sure to cast our protective spells of warding and listen to the door. Inside we heard a distinctly female voice who we presumed was the Lamia Lucretia. Our thoughts were well founded as Grok opened the door and we saw her casting her own protective spells while she sent ogres to investigate the ruckus we had caused outside.
We immediately moved into position to block her escape as Valdaire fired his pyromantic spells at her as we failed wildly trying to hit her. Grok remained his usual unhittable self as the rangers fired their volleys into her aided by Kyra’s spell of Blessing.
Finally Lucretia saw she had very little chance against us and proceeded to make her escape. What then followed was a series of amazing feats of acrobatics as we jockeyed to get around her and slow her down while she deftly slid by. She then cast a spell of mirror imaging which made the task even more difficult.
We pursued her down through the very caves from which we emerged, Valdaire raining fire down upon her. I, disgusted at constantly missing her, drew out my wand of magic missiles and unleashed several volleys into her before finally felling her. Truly she was a tough opponent that only good fortune and tactics had put an end to. We have now cut the head off the serpent that controlled the fort and will now proceed to deal with her minions.

TPS Report 8

Containing a song, with a report following

Mammy Graal’s farm
(sung to the tune of Bob Dylan’s Maggie’s farm)

I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more
No, I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more
Well, when we arrive
there’s a Hogre runnin cross the lawn
A yellin and a screamin
You can see he wants us gone
It’s was quick the way we killed him as he roared.
I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more

I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s barn no more
No, I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s barn no more
Well, there are 3 Hogres and a still
And 3 prisoners in a cell
Above a huge spider web
And Grok he nearly fell
A traitor means the BlackArrows just lost one more
I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s barn no more

I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s house no more
No, I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s house no more
Well you walk and fight Hogres
And see flesh upholstered chairs
And then Mammy and her dead husbands
Are waiting down the stairs
But Kyra’s silence spell made her Dimension door
Ah, I ain’t gonna go in Mammy Graal’s house no more

I ain’t gonna fight on Mammy Graal’s porch no more
No, I ain’t gonna fight on Mammy Graal’s porch no more
We try and chase her down
To find out where she hid
She flies out of the barn
And releases her pet arachnid
But she wont fight us in hand-to-hand no more
I ain’t gonna fight on Mammy Graal’s porch no more

I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more
No, I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more
We finish Mammy off
With Bock’s arrows and Valdaire’s spells
Then we go down to the basement
And fight a horrid creature that smells
It ‘s the kind of battle the Seekers are made for
I ain’t gonna fight at Mammy Graal’s farm no more


Report 8.0:
(clarifying a few points mentioned in the song)

We arrived and killed Hogres (half-human/half-ogre) on the farm. We found 3 prisoners in the Hogre barn. Jakandros (Patchy), Shilelu’s step-father, Vale (Stretch), and Kaven (pretty-boy). They had been captured by the Hogres after they had seen Fort Rennik fall. Kaven had apparently had problems that had delayed their return to the fort, so they became Fort Rennik’s only survivors. Much of Kaven’s story seemed hinky, so we as a group agreed to check it out later. I noticed that Kaven also had one of the Sehedron tattoos on his leg. We did however learn that an erase spell would remove them. We took the freed prisoners back to town and through the use of zone of truth and careful questioning, with Valdaire sensing thoughts, we indeed found out that Kaven’s story had more holes in it than a Wartle prostitute’s teeth. Kaven had been commissioned by Lucretia (possible Lamia) to give her the blueprints for the fortress. Kaven, suspecting something bad was going to happen, deliberately delayed his patrol from returning until it was too late. For his crime, Kaven received justice and was hanged.
We returned to the Graal farm with Jakandros and Vale in tow and proceeded to wipe out the Hogre vermin that infested it. There were many traps, some detected, some not. Bock was able to find the bones of female Hogres that apparently were Mammy Graal’s daughters and possibly eventual rivals for her power, so she had them slain and thrown down a privy. Upon coming to Mammy Graal’s room, we were met with her wielding a wand which contained the Ray of Enfeeblement spell. Taking Grok’s lead, I snatched it from her hands, while Kyra kept her contained and from casting spells within a silence spell. In the meantime the corpses of Mammy Graal’s husbands animated and nearly succeeded in killing Nando.
Mammy was able to break free of the Silence spell and Dimension Door away. We dispatched the rest of the room and sent the rangers out to seek her. While they were looking, we fought the Hogre that had made traps for the house. After we had slain it, we got a message from the Black Arrows and Shilelu that Mammy had been hiding in the barn. She flew out and released her giant spider to fight us. I did my usual hit and run technique on the spider, while Grok met it head on. Bock and Nando used their bows effectively to take down Mammy Graal’s mirror image, and Valdaire blasted her with spells. The fight ended with the Seekers triumphant. We then went back into the house to finish clearing out the basement. We fought some sort of vegetation creature then checked the house for any valuables before planning to somehow help take back Fort Rennik.

TPS Report 7

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
Report: 7.0
The Seekers were contacted by Alandir from the Pathfinder Society. He needed us to go out and check out the Black Arrows, a group of rangers up at Fort Rennik. He had commissioned us a ride up a river on a barge run by Milfred Bordicos. Bordicos was a plump, gregarious man who talked a lot. He almost immediately got on our nerves.
We stopped first at the town of Wartle. It was a small trade town famous for its grit-ridden green drink known as bog-grog. While Bock and I drank the grog, Valdaire visited the town’s 3-brothels, but unfortunately his wand was out of charges, so he didn’t tarry long. Grok, who we later found was unnerved by boat travel sat around staring at one of Bordicos’s men who was back at the raft. Shalelu and Kyra remained strangely quiet for most of the trip.
The accommodations on the barge were sub-par, and when we heard that there might be frog-men somewhere up ahead on the river, I became nervous that we were in a too vulnerable position. We continued on upstream when one night Bock woke to notice us drifting back down river. Apparently several crocodiles were surrounding the barge and made Bordicos nervous. Bock used his bond with animals to gain the creatures’ trust and they went away and we continued on.
The next town we came to was Whistledown, a gnome town with white houses draped in moss. We did not stay there because the gnome-size dwellings seemed ill-suited for our size. So the boat continued forward. Bordicos then announced that there was some sort of log-jam up ahead and he wanted us to move it. Grok, still irritated by his life on the water, became irritated at Bordicos’s command. Many of us figured it might be a trap and decided we would take the rest of the trip by horse. Bordicos then upped the belligerence level by refusing. Finally, before things came to fisticuffs, we got Bordicos to relent, we then floated back to Whistledown and took off overland. Bordicos was quite irritated and by the end of the exchange, so were the most the rest of us. I promised we would tell the people in Ilsurian about the blockage to traffic, and we continued on.
We did indeed inform Ilsurian, but the residents of that town seemed sullen and unresponsive to outsiders. They weren’t unfriendly, but did not go out of their way to make strangers feel at home either. At this point Shalelu broke her unnatural silence by telling us that, like Grok, water travel makes her nervous and that she is seeking a Black Arrow ranger named Jakandros. He was sort of a quasi-stepfather to Shalelu, whom she did not particularly care for. When brigands attacked and killed her mother’s village, Jakandros disappeared. Shalelu had come to seek him out because she is not so sure of how to react to him.
After we left Ilsurian, we rode up towards Turtleback Ferry, so named because of the three giant turtle shells that they have built ferries into. The people here were much nicer although we discovered the town had recently suffered a tragedy when their erst-while “party-barge” sank, killing over 50 of the town’s citizens. Through interrogation we learned that the ferry was owned by a lady Lucretia whose description matches the description we had of Xanesha. We further learned that she had been responsible for the sehedron tattoos on many of the citizens who were her preferred “customers”. After inquiring with Blakely, one of the workers in the local bar, we realized that he wasn’t a particularly big spender and that there might be more to these tattoos then we had originally thought. Nevertheless, we moved around town, made our presence known, and evaluated the citizens. The mayor seemed competent and friendly.
We proceeded the following morning towards Fort Rennik. On our way there we encountered a bear that had broken free from a trap and stared at us quite piteously. In the distance we heard the baying of hounds. Shalelu and Bock both determined that this bear was no ordinary bear, but instead was some druid or ranger’s animal companion. Suddenly from the woods leaped several dogs to attack the wounded bear. We encircled the bear to keep the dogs from harming it. In the distance we heard some discordant singing and following the dogs emerged the bear-hunter and deformed half-ogre, or Hogre as we came to call them. We inflicted massive damage on the Hogre and it began to run away. We immediately felled it.
Using two Bull’s strength spells, Grok and Bock managed to get the trap off the bear’s foot. The bear then proceeded to lead us Lassie-like towards a farmhouse where apparently there was some sort of danger. Here the report ends as we begin our assault on the fortress.

TPS Report 6.1

The
Pathfinder
Society
Report

By: Tyack Verumpeto

Report 6.1

Today the Seekers got back to their roots. We had come together originally to fight off a goblin attack that had menaced Sandpoint. From there we had begun to form friendships which had even coalesced into a group identity as we each tried to feel our way towards being something better than we had as individuals. We had achieved much and prevented several major disasters from striking Sandpoint and the city of Magnimar. We had made friends, allies, and even a few enemies along the way. We had suffered a few setbacks, but been able to pick ourselves back up and overcome them. So we decided to reward ourselves and go back to doing what brought us together in the first place…killing goblins.
We had taken down three of the five known goblin heroes. First there had been Koruvus, the horribly mutated goblin who had fallen while we investigated the Runewell of wrath. Then we had infiltrated Thistletop and killed Ripnugget in his throne room. Also at Thistletop we had helped the ranger Shalelu have her vengeance against Bruthazmus when he had cowardly tried to shoot Valdaire in the back, only to be repelled by Valdaire’s spell of protection. Bruthazmus didn’t remain standing 6 seconds after that ill-placed shot.
Yet with two goblin heroes remaining, we moved on. Other, greater perils demanded our attention so we had to abandon our quest to keep Sandpoint safe from any future goblin menace. Until we had some free time on our hands and decided to take out the goblin-hero Vorka. Vorka was a known cannibal who feasted off the licktoad tribe. Our first objective…eliminate his food supply. Bock tracked the goblins through the Brinestump marsh until we came upon their camp. And although we were outnumbered by more than ten to one, our newly gained power, experience, and magics came into play and we eliminated them.
I charged into their midst to bunch them together while Valdaire unleashed fireball after fireball upon them, all but devastating them. Bock was a demon with his bow, felling them two at a time, while Grok waded into them, his adamantine sword and spiked shield easily skewering all he met. Nando also let loose with his bow and felled several. When the battle was over the score was Seekers-64 Goblins-0. We turned the ears into Daverin for a reward and gave him the goblin leader’s head as a present. We also took the time out to inform Titus Scarnetti that his name had been on Xanesha’s proscription list for his avarice behavior. He seemed unfazed by this, but showed interest that the Magnimar sawmill was no longer in business.
The following day we scoured the swamp looking for Vorka. Bock found some tracks to his lair near the swamp, by the beach. We followed those tracks. Bock and Nando snuck around, caught him by surprise and let loose a volley of arrows. Caught by surprise, Vorka jumped up and ran into his cave. Grok and I followed and slew him. Since we were already on our way to Magnimar, I used the Sehedron medallion to preserve his body so I could get it stuffed by a taxidermist and sent to Daverin as a present.
While in Magnimar, the Pathfinder society contacted Grok, Valdaire, and I about a possible mission to investigate a fort out in the hinterlands near Turtle Ferry to see why there has been no contact with it in some time. We agreed and arranged to set out by ferry. I in the meantime arranged with Father Lightbeard (leaving him 2,000 gold coins) to seek out a business factor to buy the 7’s sawmill (formerly owned by the Brotherhood of the Seven’s skinsaw cult) in order to make sure that Titus Scarnetti of Sandpoint couldn’t buy it, and would thereby have some competition.
In the meantime, although their original invasion of Sandpoint had introduced us to the Goblin song, I believe there is a newer updated version of it now.

The New Goblin Song

Goblins chew and goblins bite,
When Seekers come, goblins take flight.
Sandpoint heroes that goblins dread
We run now or we be dead!

Monk with them, move like light,
Give us goblins mighty fright
Charges right into our midst
Strikes us down with stunning fist

Dwarf strides out all strong and fit
In his armor, can’t be hit.
He is sure no goblin friend
Laughing as he makes us meet our end.

Rogue comes moving to attack
Stabs us goblins in the back
Likes to kill us one-by-one
Won’t let goblins have much fun

Ranger draws his mighty bow
Filling goblins up with woe
His arrows stick you…Ouch! Not Nice!
If you survive he shoots you twice.

Mighty wizard with his magic
Goblins meet him, it be tragic
Goblin know that it is dire
When they face his killing fire

Cleric added to the deal
If they get hurt then she heal
But she also willing to fight
Sarenrae’s acolyte.

Five goblin heroes once alive
Only one now still survive
If see Big Gugmut, be sure to tell
Seekers come, so run like hell!

Since the Seekers came around
There less goblins to be found
Far less goblins here today
They all dead or runned away.

TPS Report 6

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
Today’s report involves some admiring of the sights and sounds of Magnimar, so will appear to the reader as a rather hum-drum outsiders view of the city. There is more meat down further when we deal with the Sandpoint demon. So a reader, who had perhaps been reading too many reports at the Pathfinder’s society and say wanted to skim a bit, could probably just skip down to that part. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you when.
This report starts at much the same place, the last left off, outside a slightly smoldering clock tower. Valdaire and I rushed Kyra’s body away to her temple while Grok and Bock stayed behind to talk with the local guard captain named Uriana about what had happened with the golem and how it had attempted to burn down the clock tower with its dying gasp.
Eventually Grok was able to bring the captain to the temple of Sarenrae where we were interrogated as well. Once we explained we were the Seekers aka “The Seekers of Sandpoint” aka the heroes who had brought Ironbriar to justice, Uriana was a bit more receptive to listening to our story. Sometimes it’s good to be a hero.
While this was going on we got Father Lightbeard to begin the ritual which would bring our dead companion’s body back from the dead. We gathered up money, each donating what we could afford, according to our consciences, demeanors, and disposable income. The ritual was set to take all day, so nothing much more was happening there.
In the meantime, Uriana contacted her magical agent, one Findolar Redleaf, so that we might investigate the top of the tower for any remains of the presence of Xanesha. We found out from the guards stationed at the place that they had allowed three “beggars” to walk out of the tower without bothering to detain or question them. With these talents, I am assured that these men will someday make great school principals. Bock was turned invisible and given the power of flight so the he could sneak around up top and search. He found no sign of Xanesha but did find her murder list of which well over 100 names had already been knocked off and notables like Titus Scarnetti and the Lord Mayor of Magnimar, Grobaris, remained still to be slain. We gained audience with Grobaris, an officious pudding of a man, who fainted with the idea that someone would want to kill him for his abject avarice nature. His advisor, Crinst, was able to weasel out quite a heft reward from him and we all ended up with 400 platinum each. A huge shopping extravaganza ensued.
We were later called to the trial of Ironbriar, who was found guilty and condemned to hanging. We watched him die; although Valdaire briefly caught a glimpse of a woman who he thought might be a disguised Xanesha. The passing was too brief however and although we sent out warning, she was not spotted again.
Later we were invited to a meal by Jubral Vishki, a rogue who had briefly approached me in Sandpoint, had come down and been cured of a case of ghoul-fever and somehow had survived being on Xanesha’s kill list. I accepted in hopes of finding out how he accomplished the latter, but he seemed to only want to ply me with wine and women, and since we were still worried that Xanesha might be looking for us, I declined the later and drank sparingly of the former. Ah well, can’t have everything.
More time was spent in Magnimar viewing the sights, such as the Hell Knights, dressed in their resplendent armour. We also learned much about the Arvensoar and its angels, the Ushers that rule here, and the history of Ordellia. All-in-all a fascinating city. We were then contacted by the Pathfinders to seek out and bring back the Sandpoint Devil (or Sandpoint demon, which is a much better name) Since we already had a commission to do that from the ruling council of Sandpoint, we agreed.
On our way out of Magnimar we encountered 3 farmers who said that they had had a strange creature land in their field. Noting that there were three of them and remembering that three beggars aka faceless stalkers had left from the tower, we immediately suspected a trap. We allowed ourselves to be led, and we were not disappointed when they indeed revealed themselves as the enemies we expected. They had killed the farmers who had owned this area and we dispatched them for their crimes. We then searched the house for things of monetary gain, each of us, able to do with what they want with their share. A protracted argument broke out between Valdaire and Bock, who often seem like they have known each other for far longer than one knows they have. Nevertheless, it was decided that we would split the value of the money found therein and do with it what we will, either finding the farmer’s relatives, donating it to the church, or pocketing it.
Continuing on to Sandpoint we reacquainted ourselves with the nobles and went for our time-honored tradition of a drink at the hagfish…Gods that place is foul. Grok and I immediately hurled while Bock and Valdaire fought valiantly to hold it down before succumbing to the foul brew and coughing it back up upon the floor. Kyra, reluctant to attempt this initiation ceremony into the Seekers, finally consented after much persuasion. She drank it down in one gulp and held it down with no problem, collecting the kitty and posting her name amongst the wall of others who had mastered the experience. As a good-natured gesture, I deposited 20 gold coins back into the purse to make the locals continue to try.
Ok, here’s the part about the Sand Devil…start reading again here. We went out into the wilds and snuck into where the Grok and Valdaire had discovered a back entrance into the Sand Devil’s lair by climbing down the old wisher’s well and swimming 30 feet until we reemerged. Slowly we made our way to the lair, with Bock volunteering to stealthily go up and scout ahead. He thought he saw it at 20’ and fired a miraculous shot blindly into it, grievously wounding it. The beast then let out a might howl that caused all but me and Valdaire to run in fear. I proceeded to draw the beast’s attention while Valdaire laid into it with his mighty spells. Eventually the fear wore off my companions and the battle was joined in earnest. Bock was the first to fall, and Valdaire dropped his wand of magic missiles and nearly went down trying to save him. Grok drew off the monster’s attack but was no match for when the monster let out a huge bath of fire upon him. If not for the resist fire potion Grok had recently bought, he might have died. Finally the Devil was cleared enough from the door so that Kyra could get over her fear of monsters-with-ranged attacks and she was able to heal Valdaire while I poured a potion down Bock’s throat, reviving him. Eventually we put enough damage into the Devil that it was forced to flee. Since I had grabbed Valdaire’s wand, I fired off a burst at the fleeing fiend, bringing it down…the Sandpoint Devil was no more. We returned with its body to Sandpoint and Magnimar and claimed our rewards for a job well done.

TPS Report 5

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
Another day, another report. Today we interrogated Justice Ironbriar about his skinsaw cult. The most important thing we learned is that we are crappy interrogators, but with a little work we can eventually achieve our goals. At first I assumed that Ironbriar was hinting at his charmed nature to use the “I’m not responsible for my actions” defense, but it turns out, although he was charmed by what turned out to be a Lamia Matriarch named Xanesha.
Mostly we learned that Ironbriar had set up the cult of the brotherhood of the 7 along with Aldern’s grandfather and would-be lich Vorel. Although they had started out as quite the innocent blood-thirsty cult, apparently Ironbriar had gotten himself charmed by Xanesha and their murders had become much more frequent and outlandish.
We also learned that Aldern was supposed to be harvesting “Vorel’s Legacy” for a group known as the Red Mantis, who are apparently some crazed guild of assassins. The harvesting was apparently that strange moss we found growing throughout the house. Furthermore we learned that Tsuto was involved with this cult and was being passed messages from his other cult members while Ironbriar was working behind the scenes trying to get him freed on a technicality.
Ironbriar also referred to the “Grey Master” who may also be “Father Skinsaw” and could even be one of the aspects of some evil deity. Xanesha was somehow tied to this as well and ordered the carving of the runes into the bodies of the victims. There was also reference to a Final Blooding, which seemed to be some apocalyptic day of reference. But, try as we might, we could find no information for any future targeted victims, but instead found out that Xanesha laired in the 180’ dilapidated clock tower and flew in and out at night.
Researching Lamia’s at the Pathfinder’s society, we did not find too much more than we had already deduced or been told. Xanesha can: fly, charm, cast mirror image, Suggest, project major image, assume human likeness, and could go invisible. Some of these are innate abilities, and apparently some of them come from her being magically trained.
Ironbriar was incensed that he had been charmed by Xanesha and that she was taking his prized cult of blood-thirsty murderers on a more reckless path, so he imparted us with as much information as possible, Including warning of us 3 faceless stalkers that she had in the tower with her, as well as a guardian on the ground floor of the tower know only as “the Scarecrow”
Well, even though I continued to hope that we would find other evidence to indicate where Xanesha’s next move might be, unfortunately we had no other leads but to head to the clock tower and meet the monster in her lair. I procured a scroll of ‘fly’ for the trip and we made sure that our newly acquired cleric Kyra was stocked full of Protections from evil to ward us against any charm or suggestion effects.
Apparently the clock tower has a huge angel perched atop it. It is, as I’ve mentioned about 180’ tall, and apparently is in such bad condition, there are long-standing bets as to which year the thing will eventually fall in. We, being an adventurous and somewhat prone to destruction group, knowing that we were going in, proceeded to lay down bets for the tower coming down this year.
Our assault on the tower went worse than expected. We got to the base, went inside and searched around. As we were preparing to leave after reconnoitering, the scarecrow leaped out to attack us. Grok was immediately hit and Kyra bravely rushed up to heal him. However, this left her exposed to the creatures attack and the scarecrow cut her into two.
Meanwhile, we learned that the scarecrow was a magical construct known as a flesh golem, whom through some weird shooting; Bock was able to critical anyway. However Valdaire’s lightning bolt only served to empower it. Valdaire was able to correct that problem by then slowing it with his fire spells, while the rest of us chipped away at it, finally bringing it down.
Saddened by our newly gained companion’s demise, we decided to leave, but not before Valdaire proceeded to cast a fireball up into the beams supporting the bells, attempting to rob the Lamia of her fortress. Although 2 of the bells did come crashing down, and the angel dipped precariously, the tower did not fall. Bock spotted the Lamia leaving the area and took a shot at her, but missed.
We took Kyra back to Father Lightbeard, hopefully to get her raised, and contemplated how we would meet Xanesha again. Is she still hiding in her tower or can we get her to approach us on much safer ground. We agreed not to split up while she remained at large.

TPS Report 4

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
It was a dark and stormy night. Ok it was neither dark nor stormy. As a matter of fact it wasn’t even night, but I thought I would add some dramatic flair for whatever poor SOB at the Pathfinder Society got assigned to read these damn things. But now that idea is totally ruined so you’re stuck reading the boring facts as they happened. Well at least I almost died in this report, which was both exciting and terrifying. Not for you of course, you just have to read this. For you it would be better if I had actually died then…hey…one less report…I can knock off early and go to the pub. Sadly no such luck and for that I apologize.
Anyway, to continue, proceed, and carry on with my repetitively redundant narrative. We managed to get the Foxglove town house exorcised and came away with a little bit more loot plus foxgloves journal stating that he had regularly met people at the Sawmill in Magnimar where he was making 200gp payments to what was marked as B7. B7, which in addition to giving me a Bingo, we deduced stood for the Brotherhood of the 7, an organization we found owned a third of Foxglove manor, which after a certain time, the house would revert to them completely. Since my precognitive powers granted to me by a spirit (or several glasses of spirits, take your pick) predict that Foxglove manor will go up in a great fountain of flame in the very near future, I cannot think that the Brotherhood will ever have a chance to collect. Nevertheless we decided to make the rendezvous with the brotherhood in Magnimar, the following Oath day. We also planned to investigate Foxglove’s townhouse to see if we could find any more clues with which to enrich ourselves.
Now Grok decided not to travel with us because he was catching up with his old comrade from Janderhof and Nando had decided to try out his camping skills after losing some money while gambling; so Valdaire, Bock and I proceeded to investigate on our own. We arrived in town after escorting Belven Valdemar. I was willing to do it for just the good will, but my companions wanted to remuneration for it. Sadly, my companions seem a little coin-obsessed. But based on what I’ve seen Valdaire shell out for spells, it’s not that great a surprise. Still, with Valdaire’s intelligence he should be able to figure out that the good will of the nobility is worth far more than the pittance of money we would get for any task. Sadly, Valdaire’s diplomatic skills need a bit of work. Bock, is of course a Shoanti, who missed several of our more lucrative hauls, and seems a bit strapped for cash as well.
After we dropped Belven off, we went to Foxglove’s manor to search the place. I donned Valdaire’s hat of disguise to appear to be Foxglove, just in case any servants were milling about the place. Much to our surprise, as we were investigating the house, we came across a couple in the library that appeared to be Aldern Foxglove and his wife Iesha. Knowing that these two individuals were dead (we killed Aldern and he killed Iesha) I tried to bluff my way around it. However it turns out that these two weren’t crafty adventurers like us but instead beings known as Faceless stalkers who had rubbery skin and the ability to take various human forms. A fight almost immediately broke out. Bock fired his bow with great accuracy and rapidity while Valdaire first believed he had this great conflagration ability that he could endlessly cast with no consequences, but that turned out to be either a dream, or extreme wishful thinking. Instead Valdaire used his other fire spells to bring the stalkers to a fiery end and achieve a truly pyrrhic victory. My part in the combat involved getting the hell repeatedly knocked out of me while I flailed around like someone who had spent too much time recently at the Hagfish. I was nearly slain (see I promised that it happened) and only a final remembrance to heal my wounds before searching for treasure saved my life. Sadly there was very little to be found at Foxglove townhouse, so we proceeded to spend the next several days looking around town, shopping, and (with the party’s agreement) hiring a cleric to travel with us, for a full share of the treasure. We landed at the temple of Sarenrae, where I received succor for my wounds and where we hired Kyra a dark-skinned priestess seeking adventure. After some haggling over the price, she agreed to come with us. And glad she would be for that decision (as you shall see in a bit)
We decided to make the appointment on Oathday, once again I was disguised as Aldern where I planned to make the payment for “Iesha’s weekly trip to Absalom”. By-the-way, if you are ever thinking of buying a cap of disguise, and using said cap to disguise yourself as Aldern Foxglove….SAVE YOUR MONEY! That trick never works. And so it was when we went to investigate the Magnimaran sawmill. I gave the knock, I was skeptically invited in. I asked to see the “Master” I was shown upstairs , and then the employees put on crazy skinsaw masks and I was attacked.
This fight is what we in the adventuring community like to refer to as a “comedy of errors” Nobody could hit anyone. Bock and our new cleric were trapped outside a locked door that took several tries to open. Valdaire, came in through the basement and couldn’t hit anything. I stunned one cultist and kept the others at bay while I blocked their only doorway into the stairwell in which we fought. Almost the entire rest of the combat I was missed and pushed back, and commanded to fall down by the spells of these crazed cultists. Finally Valdaire was able to pressure the Master cultist to flee, while Bock who had finally gained entrance, proceeded to mow down the rest of the cultists with almost god-like precision shooting from his bow. Finally the master was forced to flee down the stairs with us in pursuit. I leaped upon him and gained my only other hit of the day, knocking him into unconsciousness. I manacled him and he was unmasked to be revealed as ….Justice Ironbriar. Thankfully we hadn’t killed a high-ranking (though depraved) member of the town and I immediately instructed Kyra to get her High Priest, or someone else trustworthy, with authority to come view the scene, so that we, as strangers to the town, might not be seen as criminals.
We also searched the sawmill and discovered that Ironbriar, was a very sick sick man and had human skins decorating his office. I should note however, as I did then, that I was impressed with this cults civic duty by all holding down vital town jobs in the saw mill while committing whatever other nefarious acts they were doing. I can only imagine the interview process went something like:

Ironbriar: So you want to be a member of our blood-thirsty, skin-wearing cult? Well, what are your skills.
Applicant: Well, as a youth I killed my family and flayed the family pets. I wore my dog’s head as a hat for weeks and since then I have been on a bloody rampage across the countryside.
Ironbriar: Yes, yes…all well and good, but have you ever worked in a sawmill cutting lumber?
Applicant: I have used saws to split people in two. I kidnapped a girl and placed her on a log splitter to see her ripped in half?
Ironbriar: Yes, Yes, as I’ve said, your killing skills are quite good, but have you ever worked in an actual sawmill? Sweeping up sawdust, getting a feel for the plane of the wood and how to split it just so, so you can get maximum usage per square foot with only a minimal amount of reforestation needed?
Applicant: Um?
Ironbriar: To differentiate between your hard and soft woods and broker relationships with the carpenters and builders that can turn your beautifully cut piece of timber into a cathedral or perhaps a dresser, or dare I say even an Ottoman?
Applicant: Um, I had a job as a barrel maker once.
Ironbriar: Oh I am so sorry…we really would have liked to have you, but really without sawmill skills, I’m just not sure you would fit in.
Applicant: But…but…I really like ritualistic murder.
Ironbriar: I know you do son, I know you do, and it breaks my heart to turn you away, but hey I tell you what, they’ve got a sawmill up in Sandpoint. Why don’t you apprentice yourself there for about a year or so, learn the trade, get a feel for the grain so to speak. Then you come back here and I promise we’ll review your application again. Now run along, I have a rich politico to eviscerate before I get back to my two loves of jurisprudence and lumbering.

Or something like that.

Regardless we found also found a ledger in IronBriar’s room written in a very complex cipher which we need to decode. In addition to this, we were able to get the constabulary on our side and round up the absent cultists by awaiting them the next morning in disguise and sending them up to see the “Master”. The entire sawmill seemed to be culpable for ritualistic murders of wealthy/miserly people. As I previously had suspected. Despite the cult’s disdain for the miserly the money we made off of the place amount to well over 1500 gp each, making Kyra quite grateful that she had joined us. She even gained a wand of Cure Moderate Wounds

TPS Report 3

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
The Pathfinder’s Society
Tyack Verumpeto


Report 3.0:

A much shorter report than last time. We secured the 8 wine bottles vintage Vigar deis from the bottom of the cellar in the house and headed back to Sandpoint to see whether or not an exorcism of the place could be done by Father Zantus to remove the haunts which infested it. We also procured a letter written to Aldern Foxglove, further implicating him in some sort of cult awaiting his transformation and pointing out that my supposition about the greedy ones being targeted seemed accurate. The cult seems to be led by some sort of female called some title with pagan in it, the actual thing escapes me, but she is apparently in Magnimar, where we should probably go next.
However, before we could set off for Magnimar, we did need to solve the problem of clearing the haunted house (and then hopefully burning the damn thing to the ground and shoveling its ashes off the f***ing cliff.) Zantus was unable to do it, but he said that Ione was due in town soon and she would probably be able to. In town, we encountered our old friend Bock who had delivered his brother’s battered body to a caravan headed north. Gladly we accepted him back within the bosom of our party. Lodeseeker also met an old friend who had been a mercenary in Janderhoff and we invited him to join us for a time as well. We did our usual hanging around town routine and were once again approached by Sheriff Hemlock to help with the goblins who seemed to be getting restless again because they are attracted to that damn demon in Thistletop. Naturally we agreed, because after all, the Seekers are heroes, plus we still have 2 goblin heroes to kill.
We set out through the Thistlewood where we encountered an elaborate Goblin trap set to slay us. Unfortunately for the goblins, it was too elaborate to actually work, and although most of our group was captured within the throes of the goblin druid’s entangle spell, Valdaire cast two fireballs and all but eliminated the opposition. The druid’s natural ability to traverse difficult terrain allowed him to escape, but not without leaving the rest of the group completely obliterated. I daresay, that goblin is probably still running.
We returned to our town after our victory to again the praise of a thankful people who have all but adopted us as their own. We learned Ione was in town and agreed to perform an exorcism on the haunted house in exchange for our help getting rid of the demon Malfeshnikor which was imprisoned in Thistletop. We readily agreed and made our way by boat to Thistletop
We opened the door to Malfeshnikor’s lair to find a pit of fire surrounded by several dim glowing candles. We immediately pressed our attack. Although we prepared as diligently as we could, the first round went to the demon, it apparently had a greater invisibility spell that protected it from becoming visible when it attacked and was able to dimension door freely about the room while clinging to the ceiling and walls. We were forced to retreat and were fortunate that Malfeshnikor could not leave the room, or more than one of us would have met our doom. Retreating we rested a day and rethought our strategy.
The following morning Valdaire sent us in with and enlarge spell to maximize our attack ability and minimize Malfeshnikor’s ability to dodge us by clinging to walls and ceilings. We charged into the room with Ione purging the invisibility of the creature at my suggestion. This time things went much better and we were able to defeat him, thus securing Thistletop as our main base of operations. In the room we found 35 everburning candles, 6 of which we agreed to give to Father Zantus to use in church services. We also found a ring of shielding which went to Nando, to protect him from his wayward charges into rooms.

TPS Report 2

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report 2.0



By: Tyack Verumpeto
The Pathfinder’s Society
Tyack Verumpeto


Report 2.0:

Things started out with us planning to visit the Foxglove manor which was interrupted by a local farmer named Grump seeing scarecrows moving about and attacking people. With claims of “Something ain’t right at the Hambly farm”, we decided to investigate. First we warned the surrounding populace to have them keep inside for other creatures, and then we went out to the Hambly farm. There were a number of paths circling around the house, so we developed a spiraling pattern inward. On our way we found a number of scarecrows that turned out to be ghouls. Some were still up on their normal scarecrow supports. We developed a pattern and managed to defeat them rather easily. Coming upon the Hambly farm, we noticed several ghouls in a barn which had been built around this ancient statute. We encircled the barn and began firing missile weapons at them to shoot em down or force them to come out towards us. They swarmed out pretty good and we dispatched them rather quickly. Lodeseeker took on the chief ghoul while I swarmed em towards the group and Voldaire blew em down with his fire spells.
We then decided to go onto Foxglove mansion. We equipped ourselves with healing potions because we still have no priest to travel with us. The mansion is a dilapidated structure. We had heard rumors that it was being rebuilt, but there was no evidence of this. We first took a look at it from a bluff across an inlet. It sat up on a ridge and looked like it was getting ready to fall into the ocean about 100’ below. It looked extremely frightening, and I set the condition, that we would investigate but if 3 things scared the hell out of us, we’d just burn it down. I brought a 10’ pole in anticipation of traps and creatures hiding under covers. It turned out not to be as useful as intended, but it was nice to have the rest of the group envying my pole.
We slowly approached the mansion amidst what looked like hundreds of dead zombie crows hanging around the lawn. Out front there was a broken well but the doors and windows of the mansion were amazingly intact. We went in and saw a trophy room with a big manticore in the center. We wander methodically through the house and see a bathtub on a rickety floor which we avoid. We go upstairs and hear a baby crying. We don’t break our methodical approach and Valdaire goes into this room with a fireplace where only he can hear a voice. The room is covered with fugues and Voldaire hears a voice tell him “What’s on your face mommy?” Voldaire then proceeds to try to rip his face off. He seriously wounds himself before we restrain him.
We wander through various terrors and ‘haunts’ when we come to a room with a portrait that has been turned around facing the wall. Lodeseeker turns it around and hears it say “What do you get up to in the damp down below” no one else hears it, but it unnerves him greatly. We continue on through the second floor and we come to a room with many family portraits in it. As Nando gets close the paintings change. Vorel(GF) explodes with fungus all over him (similar to the strange fungus we’ve seen all over the place) Cassandra (GM) is covered with tumors, Lorey is appears to be a corpse, Traver (F) appears to have his throat cut, Cyralie (M) is burned and broken. Aldern appears to be a ghoul-lord (ah ha we have our villain, whom we sort of suspected anyway), Sindele and Zeera (S) are covered in Frost.
Upon the portrait exploding, I suggest we get out of there and burn the place down. On our way out, the stupid manticore appears to attack but we run from it, only to encounter the zombie crows that don’t want us to leave. Valdaire blows the crap out of them with a number of spells and they are no longer a threat. We set fire to the house and go to the original bluff to watch the conflagration. Amazingly (Deus Ex Machina) the house refuses to burn, so we take a trip back to Sandpoint to resupply ourselves with healing potions and head back in. Nando decides to stay back. I go to the Vindor home to again express my sympathy to Vin and his remaining daughter. I feel strangely protective of the Sandspoint people and want them to think well of us.
Lodeseeker, Voldaire, and I proceeded back to the mansion. It was as scary as ever, though with decidedly less zombie-crows. We investigated up into the highest level. All throughout the house we had noticed the windows facing the 100’ drop to the sea were all stained glass and remarkably intact and seemed to be showing some scenes of necromantic rituals. Also for some reason, which I can’t remember, I seemed to get the impression that this episode was tied into the antivirtues of rule. We had dealt with the Wrath with the well underneath Sandpoint, but we wondered if there could be others. I suspected this one had to do with greed because several of the victims had been meticulous skinflints who arranged their money very orderly. I don’t know the veracity of this, but it is worth mentioning so I can refer to it later.
Anyway as we got to the top floor we saw that one of the stain-glassed windows was broken and I felt the sudden urge to hurl myself out it to my death. Fortunately I was restrained by my comrades. In another room, Valdaire almost felt like slitting his own throat. Like I said this place was scary. Finally we found a key which led us down to the basement. As we were traveling down, I found this really cool monkey door pull that made a loud screaming noise. Ok it was also kind of scary, but I felt I had to have it, so pried it loose to take it.
Down in the basement we are accosted by swarms of rats which are quickly dispatched. We find some fine bottles of wine which we leave there for later, because with all the jumping, fleeing, running scared we’re doing, we didn’t want them to break. We come to a workshop that shows an image of Vorel Foxglove becoming a lich. We find other stuff, such as images of Aldern with a pickaxe screaming “For You! For You!” or some such nonsense and we continue down a long set of stairs. Lodeseeker develops phantom wounds as he is troubled by a haunt that wants to pull him further down the stairs. Finally we get to the bottom. We fight a couple of ghouls and then encounter the Demon-ghoul bat from hell. Valdaire unleashes 2 fireballs on it and we run away as it hops down the passage towards us. We approach it again and Lodeseeker nearly dies. I am chosen to take point due to my nimble ability to avoid being hit while I’m bespelled and because of Lodeseeker’s wounds. Finally we are able to defeat it before it paralyzes and devours us all. We investigate further and find 3 corpses and some treasure at the near-bottom of the broken well. Rather than face the house again we throw a grappling hook to the top of the well and ascend so we can go back to Sandpoint to heal.
Our 3rd attempt at the house involves us avoiding the main entrances and going down the well instead. It should be noted that I removed one of the doors and threw it into the sea and ,unlike the fire, that damage to the house remained. Down past the bats we encountered several ghouls and managed to fight them one-on-one by using the narrow passages to our advantage. After disposing of that threat we went to the BBEG, Aldern (call me crazy ghoul-lord) Foxglove. We fought him well and husbanded our resources mightily. Although he was tough, a smart fight pulled us all through. He seemed to be fixated on me, because I had been involved on saving his life from the goblins, but his interest seemed superficial at best, or he just gets weirdly attached. Upon his death, weird mold-fungus in the room started to move. We really didn’t think about burning it, but were eventually supplied the idea by the Gods who wanted to wrap up the adventure. We received massive treasure, but were informed that until we investigated some of the rooms we had skipped, the haunting of the house might not be over. I would suggest getting Zantus or a priest from Magnimar to come sanctify the place. I am also thinking of enlisting a henchman priest to come with us on the perilous journey’s because we seem to be at a distinct disadvantage without one.
NB. Remember the wine and search the house thoroughly for loot.

TPS Report 1

The
Pathfinder
Society

Report



By: Tyack Verumpeto
The Pathfinder’s Society
Tyack Verumpeto


Report 1.0:

Valdaire, Uzbak and I traveled to Magnimar with our prisoners where we have been initiated into the Pathfinder Society. Our companion Nando has opted not to at this time, but time may change his mind. At the trial Tsuto was found guilty of various crimes and sentenced to life in prison. Lyrie the wizard received 10 years in prison for her crimes. The judge was an incredibly stern elf by the name of Judge Ironbriar. We have adopted the name of the Seekers for our group and continue to seek out new information for the Society as well as concentrate on our friends in Sandpoint.
The news from Sandpoint is varied; there is good news such as the engagement of Amiko to Belven Valdemar. This will unite two of the strongest families in the area and seems to have upset the Scarnetti family. In addition Father Zantus’s congregation at the cathedral seems to be getting larger. Accompanying this good news is some bad which has me suspecting that some sort of Wrathwell is still around. Firstly, there have been a number of rabid dog attacks one of which attacked Jubrayl Vihski, a local rogue, secondly the local junk collector Gorvy a half-orc junk collector has been getting into frequent bar fights and finally, a sudden wind blew open the shutters at the cathedral and blew out all of the candles. This was all happening while we were gone.
Since we have been back, Vin Vinder’s youngest daughter Shayliss seems to have a bit of hero worship and tried to lure me into a tryst which I resisted, not wishing to compromise her honor. Apparently Nando was also sought out and was unable to resist, and was caught by her father before anything serious could be started. In addition I finally went on the boar hunt with Aldern Foxglove and find him to be a little bit flighty and had too casual a disregard for his employees’ safety when one was gored. In addition my room has been burgled of a vial of ink.
However, after we had been back for more than a week, true disaster struck. The sheriff called us in to help assist him with a couple of grisly murders. (Leading me to suspect more and more another Wrathwell.) The murders were committed at the Scarnetti sawmill and were of one of the employees Bannie Harker and his girlfriend Katrine Vinder (Vin’s eldest daughter). It seems that Bannie was using the sawmill for trysts with Katrine to avoid Vin finding them. Harker’s body was horribly mutilated. His body had been hung on a hook, his face had been carved off and his chest was defaced with a 7-pointed star rune which had been meticulously carved into it. Katrine’s body seemed to have been disposed of more haphazardly as she had been thrown on the wood splitter and carved in two. A discarded axe led us to the conclusion that she had attempted to fight back to no avail. Harker’s body also had a note left for me saying that my life might be in danger, but I cannot think of anyone who would want me dead except perhaps Tsuto, but he is safely locked up.
The person who found him was the employee who opened up named Ibor Thorn. We quickly dismissed him as a suspect but he did provide us with information that Harker had been embezzling from the Scarnettis. This might make me suspect them, because they have a talent for ruthlessness, but I don’t think mere money would make them perform this kind of ritualistic slaying.
We also learned from the sheriff that these were not the only murders. Apparently some reprobates who had been run out of town had also been killed, one with a note similar to the one waiting for me. A man, who seemed quite mad when found by the guards had either witnessed the event or stumble across the bodies. He was being kept in Habe’s sanitarium and Habe refused to surrender him to the guards we sent. An interesting thing about the bodies which had been found had been their lack of jawbones which we deduced were to keep any communication with the dead spells from being performed.
Eventually we went to the sanitarium to see the madman whose name was Grayst Sevilla. After being rudely greeted by Habe the owner of the facility, we were eventually able to talk our way in. I spoke briefly with Grayst who only spoke about “razors and teeth” and “the skinsaw man is coming”. Further questioning only revealed the phrases “he that unmade me, he has a place for you” and “come to the Misgivings to meet the pack”. After babbling a little bit more, he burst out of his strait jacket and attacked me. Valdaire scorched him with a spell and on his body we found a chain with a key with a flower wreath of thorns insignia. Further investigation showed the insignia to belong to the Foxglove family and that Foxglove manor is nicknamed the Misgivings. Since I had met and boar hunted with Aldern Foxglove recently, I felt we should question him.
Report Ends

The Summative Sixth Adventure

The Sixth Story

June, 1917 Hollywood, California
Newspapers blow by and dance over the grounds where movie sets used to be. The United States entered the Great War on April 6, 1917 and with great fervor and patriotism, many young men rushed to enlist and prove their heroism on the battlefields of France. Much of the cast and crew of Revenge of the Goblin King were among the early recruits, and production has permanently shut down. In the interest of providing an end to the narrative we will recount what happened after the group had finished capturing the fighter Orik.
The group had settled in for the night. The Monk Tyack guarding the main entrance with Shilelu while Valdaire meditated in the cell room before guarding the long passage leading toward the stairway down. Lodeseeker guarded first and placed the everburning torches in sconces outside the temple of Lamashtu.
At 4AM the attacks began. First came a pair of yeth hounds who chased the party through the cell room and pinned them in within the temple. The hounds howled and Valdaire was overcome with fear. Then through the main doors of temple strode Nualia, the demon-clawed adopted daughter of the former high priest of Sandpoint. Bock pinned her down with arrow fire while Lodeseeker threw himself into a defensive mode of guarding the entrance and keeping the hounds at bay. The hounds were fierce and their enchanted hides made blows bounce off of them. Lando rushed to assist while Shilelu and Tyack ran down from upstairs. The party seemed doomed, but fortunately Bock’s brilliant bow work felled Nualia. With Nualia slain, the yeth hounds disappeared, and the spirit of Nualia’s adopted father brought her soul comfort into the afterlife.
The party then continued their rest and investigated the lower level of the Thistletop fortress. They enlisted the aid of the fighter Orik in return for promises of his freedom. He led them downstairs and informed them how to avoid a deadly trap. They searched Nualia’s chamber and found numerous notes on her search for the demon Malfeshnikor. In the chamber across from Nualia’s the group noticed a door that Orik informed them contained “Hell Shadows”. While searching the room, Bock’s brilliant perceptions were able to spot a column that contained a passage to the secret chamber Nualia had been seeking but not found.
The group journeyed into that chamber and saw a projected loop of a Thasalonian warning about some kind of disaster. Valdaire cast a spell to comprehend the language and got the gist of the abbreviated message. The group then debated on whether or not to go through a door at the end of this hidden chamber. Much of the group felt that the demon Malfeshnikor might be behind it and therefore opted to leave and take the prisoners back to Sandpoint.
Returning to Sandpoint, the party let Orik go as they had promised and returned to the city hailed as heroes. Many ceremonies took place and the group received monetary as well as magical compensation and were presented with purple scarves to recognize them as heroes of the town. Tyack parlayed his new-found hero status into serving as a role-model for the citizens and proclaiming that the people of Sandpoint who did the day-to-day jobs were the real heroes.
The group then did more research on Nualia and experienced a dream where the ghost of Chopper finally received peace. Tyack, Lodeseeker, and Valdaire then proceeded back to Thistletop accompanied by Father Zantus and two town guards. They went to clear Thistletop of the rest of its information in addition to any more material chamber that remained and to make Thistletop secure while they escorted the prisoners down to Magnamar. They also desired to show Father Zantus the temple of Lamashtu and have him look at other areas that his religious expertise might come in handier.
Once Father Zantus had seen the place the small group decided to open up the doors where Orik had said the shadows were. Casting many defensive spells and accompanied by Zantus and one of the guards named Cam. The group engaged the shadows and dispatched them without taking a single bit of damage. The group then found a secret door that led to passage leading to an underwater exit to the sea. Within a pool leading to the sea, the group saw a giant-sized golden helmet. Within the helmet was a monstrously huge hermit crab that attacked the party. Again the group fought valiantly and were able to dispatch it. The honor of the group demanded that the split all treasure gained equally and Father Zantus was moved and the guard Cam nearly fainted with his new-found wealth.

The Frenetic Fifth Adventure

The Fifth Story
“There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors”
Hollywood, early 1917
Director: Ok good that everyone is back from vacation. It seems that there was a few more problems with the sets than we had originally anticipated, but we’ve gotten new ones sturdily built and can begin shooting again. Ok first the bad news…the actor playing the brother has backed out. He got a better gig on a higher budget movie. I’m sure we all wish him well. What we are going to do for his scenes, is we’re bringing in the elf-girl that was the group’s contact. That way when they meet the goblins in their fortress, they will have numbers on their sides. Ok, good, let’s get this done.
(Scene 16, In town)
Director: Ok we’re going to have the sheriff come back. He’s going to congratulate the heroes and give them all gifts. Good…good…now he’s thanking them for taking on so much of the work while he was recruiting new guards. Everyone gets a gift…good. Ok now the group is going to go bond together celebrating their recent achievement. Ok everyone look like your having a good time at a drinking contest. Ok, wow good acting at the pretending to be drunk. Ok, you can stop pretending now. Ok put down the alcohol. CUT! Ok, sober up by tomorrow, a lot of shooting to do.
(Scene 17, the nettle woods)
Director: Ok stumble along group. Back through the forest where you saw the sea lion thing. You are going to approach the goblin fortress. Good, you’re nervous, you’re careful, you’re quiet, (sigh) you’re hung-over. Ok’ we’ll move through this scene quickly. Ok they see the pit that stopped them last time, and now they move on. Good and CUT!
(Scene 18, the goblin fortress)
Director: Wow! Look at that set. Did our prop guys do a wonderful job or what? Ok again we’ll be quiet, and sneak in. Ok you see some goblins patrolling and go around them. Ok elf, cast some of your spells to prepare for it. We’ll give you one that will deflect arrows, that will come in handy later. Ok now that the patrol has passed, move into the fortress and bar the door behind you. Unarmed fighter and former magician, cast your spell as well…good.
(Scene 19, within the fortress)
Director: Ok now we’re going to roam through the fortress and encounter some random groups of goblins and take them out. We’ve lost a bunch of our midgets over Christmas, so we’re only giving them to you in small groups. Ok first take out the guards. Yep, quickly before they can arrange the alarms. Good, you’ve taken out the tower goblins and continue to search. Sal! Why are the actors eating those pickles on the set? Their lunch?!? Can’t they eat it in the canteen? Ok, well, we’ll incorporate it somehow. Ok now let’s explore the area a little more before launching into the big confrontation with the Goblin King. What Sal? Ok we’re going to have multiple leaders you get to fight; apparently our test group felt we needed more action. So we’re going to have multiple battle scenes.
(Scene 20, Ripnugget’s throne room)
Director: Ok, the party is going to catch the goblin leader totally by surprise. Good, burst in and start fighting. Good…Ok everyone gets to do something. Rogue, move around and start attacking. Archers fire! Good Ok you, goblin king, get on that lizard and start fighting. And good, mass fighting, chaos erupts and the group emerges victoriously. There is much cheering and you search the area for any loot he may have acquired. You find some keys to use later and CUT!
(Scene 21, the Female magician)
Director: Ok this is one of the new scenes, while some of the midgets are getting into new goblin outfits; we’re going to have an interaction with a female mage. Ok, you…archer you talk to her while everyone hides. Try and get her to surrender. You, female magician, you’re going to foolishly refuse to surrender. You’re going to try and talk your way out of it good, but you’re ambushed…now flee. Flee through the secret passage and down a set of stairs. Good good, now unarmed warrior, you move with supreme speed and catch up to her. She is going to fire magic at you, but oh no, you foolishly forgot to cast your protective spell. But finally you reach her and catch her. You knock her unconscious and take her prisoner. Good you now investigate the rest of the fortress. You find a horse that the goblins were trying to kill, and you feed it and get it fresh water. Ok now you find a prisoner room where you are going to dump your captives. CUT!
(Scene 22, down in the basement) Ok you are going to continue to investigate the fortress. You go down stairs and look around. You walk around and investigate. Suddenly you are attacked by a strange tentacled creature from the ceiling. Rogue, you nearly die, but are ok. Those potions you keep finding have amazing curative powers which are the only things that keep you from dying. Ok now we’re going to have you ambushed by one of the other goblin lords. You…magician…they are going to shoot from behind. Fortunately! You had already cast your protective spell upon you and it bounces harmlessly off. Now the group turns as one and takes the goblin leader down in record time. He drops immediately and his entourage runs away. You chase them onto the bridge and slay them but one gets away into the woods. You rebarricade the door where they broke through.
(Scene 23, the sleeping quarters) Ok last scenes, then we’re breaking for the day. You come across the sleeping quarters of all the villains. There is an armored man here. You fight and knock him unconscious. Now you’re going to drag him back to the cell room and CUT! That’s it for the day, let’s get lunch!

The Facts of the Fourth Adventure

The Fourth Adventure
A tale told outside the canon
(Since the last story ended with a major set being destroyed and several actors fleeing for their lives, I give you this character interpretation by the actor playing Tyack. He will give his interpretation of how the next scenes were supposed to go while the sets are being rebuilt. We thank you for your patience)
The facts of the story are these. The party, having been beaten by the winged witch sought revenge upon her. We decided to play it smarter by having our spell casters actually do prep spells before going in. We opened the door to her lair and seeing nothing, Lodeseeker and Nando Calrissian made for the stairs near the orange pool where we saw her last. Bock readied a shot in case she appeared out of nowhere. I remained outside while Valdaire moved in.
The witch did appear and began cackling and casting spells. She knocked out some of Lodeseeker’s strength and flew toward the door before becoming invisible again. In the meantime Bock kept trying to gain a bead on her and backed up against a door when one of her evil minion deadites popped out and began attacking him. Lodeseeker and Bock devised a plan to draw it near, but nobody saw fit to inform Valdaire who blocked any regular movement.
Meanwhile the witch queen appeared above Nando’s head and started to give him a bad perm. I took this opportunity to knock the crap out of her stunning her and making her fall to the ground. Lodeseeker took this opportunity to pin her and we proceeded to pummel her to unconsciousness before slitting her throat.
After that Lodeseeker and Valdaire had the idea to bleed into the pool where the witch had summoned the deadites. Lodeseeker cut his finger along his axe and bled into the bubbling orange pool which simultaneously lowered the orange water level, and summoned an evil deadite. Thrice we did that, and dispatched them with ease. We then returned to the front of the tunnel where the guards were waiting and turned the witch’s body over to the acolyte Remmi to take to the head priest for examination.
We then proceeded back into the tunnel to explore it further. We found a couple of dead ends with collapsed stone that looked like it had remained like that for centuries. While going into a small room with a well in the center of it, Lodeseeker was attacked by a mysterious floating head creature known as a varguoille. It was quickly dispatched before it could harm him and we proceeded on.
We encountered a room with a few platforms and some more deadites which we rapidly killed. Then we came into a room lined with many small wooded platforms over creatures that appeared to be moaning. Inside that room was the great goblin hero Koruvus who had somehow mutated himself and grown a third arm. Koruvus had been missing for quite some time, so allegedly this is what he had been doing.
Koruvus spit blood-acid at Lodeseeker which slowed the dwarf’s limbs and tried desperately to engage us. Alas the party was too quick for him and he was summarily dispatched and we kept his body from further regenerating. We saw that the noises down in the pit were coming from zombies and we vowed to get rid of them after searching the last room.

The last room turned out to be some sort of chamber with a permanent levitation spell cast upon whatever was inside it. Several objects were floating around in it. Valdaire went in, collected the items. We then went back into the room with the zombies, used the wooden platforms over their pits as kindling and burned them into a proper deadness. Thus with our mission accomplished we returned to the town to find out what Shililu’s scouting report had given us about Thistletop.

The Thrilling Third Adventure

The Third Adventure
Another day, another dollar, another shoot
A land of illusions, a land of dreams, a land of promises. Hollywood will be all of these things to people. Where a person’s limits are only the bounds of his or her own imagination…and of course a producer’s whim.
(Our director is smiling, there is a brisk walk in his step, and he moves like a man who knows he’s on top of the world. Not realizing that the light he sees at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)
Director: Ah yes Saul (takes a deep breath of crisp, clean, air) there are some days when it’s good to be alive. We’re shooting the big battle scene and the filming of this picture is reaching its midpoint. Let me glance at the script…thank you…let’s see I think today we’re doing the encounter with the Goblin King in the tunnel if I’m not mistaken.
(The director begins thumbing through the script, at first lazily, then with growing consternation, more and more frantically)
Director: (frustrated) Damn it Saul! This is the wrong script, I don’t see a bit about a Goblin king, just a bunch of tunnels and then some monsters and then some form of winged witch. This is obviously the script for the horror picture they’re filming on the next lot. Run this over and see if they have ours! What? What! WHAT!!!!! What do you mean the producer ordered rewrites? What the hell for? What? He thought our heroes needed more time to bond. What the hell does he want?! Some sort of free-love Utopian society nonsense?
(The director thumbs through the script again)
Director: There’s not a single damn goblin in this crap! We’re shooting a movie called Revenge of the Goblin King and so far all we have to show for it is a wounded cast member, and a group of people on a journey with lots of midgets and now a witch. Do you honestly think that the movie going public who are used to such brilliant spectacles as Griffin’s Nation are going to spend good money to see a movie that all it has in it is a BUNCH OF MIDGETS AND A WITCH! No, I don’t think so. The farm-belt alone will kill us. I’ll be right back. I’m calling the producer
(The director storms off the set and is gone for quite some time, when he returns to the set, the spring from his step is gone, he collapses into his chair with a sigh)
Director: Ok hand out the new script to the actors, we’re going to fight some monsters and a witch…yippee
(Scene 12, At the mouth of the tunnel)
Director: Ok we’ll pick up where we left off. Part of the group will split off to take the brother back for justice. Put a card up saying there might be mob violence. Also show some of our heroes getting some guards to watch the tunnel. Yep, now make the guards look nervous like they don’t know what untold horrors lay down that tunnel. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not goblins. Ok, now have the group of heroes come back. Is the brother healed? Nope, oh well we will go without him.
(Scene 13, Within the tunnel)
Director: OK the rewrite says we’re going to run into a witch with monsters that will fight our heroes. Now to give some foreshadowing of what is to come, I’m going to have one of the monsters attack the heroes. Yes, yes, now walk down that hall. You, yes you, turn into that side passage. What, yes I know there’s nothing back there; we don’t have the set built. Just look around the corner like the passage continues. We’ll have the monster attack you and we’ll worry about the set later. Good, yes you, you will scout ahead, yes and the monster attacks from the shadows. Battle ensues. Good, Cut! That’s a wrap. Ok onto next scene and meeting the (sigh) witch
(Scene 14, The temple)
Director: Ok before we get to the witch, we’re going to have you walk through an abandoned scary altar room. Our set for the witch’s chamber is still being built and apparently our witch still needs some costume work so if you would follow me over to the lot next door, they’re shooting a horror pic, and we were told we could use their set for a bit. Ok, there it is, wow nice altar. Wonder what their budget is? Oh well never mind. I want everyone to look around and examine things. Let the mood build, we’ll try and get some mist through there. Yep, examine everything take your time and CUT! Ok that’s lunch; we’ll meet back on our lot in about an hour hopefully our set and make-up problems will be solved by then.
(Scene 15, the fight against the witch)
Director: Ok, here we are, um…do you think that set is stable? Well, it looks pieced together….what, you say it’ll hold, ok we’ll have to go with it. I’m just saying that our set doesn’t look as good as the one next door, and holy crap what’s that?!? Yes, I can see that they’re skulls, that’s not what I’m talking about, what the hell are they in? A fel pool? What the hell is a fel pool, it smells terrible? Oh…something used by witches for their rituals. Well, I don’t like it…lose it…What? Subsidence? Oh we hit something in the sewer lines and that ooze started bubbling up, so you decided to disguise it as a fel pool so it would sort of blend in. Good thinking smells awful though, we’ll try to get this scene done quickly. Heck actors are mostly animals anyway, so they probably won’t notice.
(Holds up megaphone)
Director: Ok actors go in, you will encounter the witch and several of her minions, fight her, defeat her, and we’ll be done. Ok ACTION!
(The heroes are seen going into a chamber wherein lie several of the monsters they have met before, some giant spiders, and the evil witch)
Director: Ok dangle those spiders a bit more, make them look menacing. Hey you! Yes you, rogue-guy, stop holding your nose, I don’t care what you smell, just get in there. Ok good, encounter the spiders, and the monsters and fight them, and Holy crap, that’s an ugly witch. Good very menacing. I like the green, sort of looks all slimy. Not sure about the wings though, they don’t seem to flap very well, but at least it explains the flying about the room. Good good, Menace those heroes witch! Yep now throw some daggers at them. Good…Now monsters, fight. Ok you…um dwarf… charge up those stairs at her. What, they don’t look safe? Now the set guys informed me that they are perfectly safe, so try one. What…oh that didn’t sound good…yep that creaking better stay down, we’ll bring the fight to you. Yep might just want to back away from those stairs. Hey you two? Why aren’t you entering? The smell? Great, our elf and our unarmed warrior aren’t entering and what? Crap, You! Monster 2! I think you just knocked out one of the actors. What?! Oh he slipped in the slime. Crap! Oh well, keep rolling. Ok witch, go back to your starting mark and pretend to summon some more creatures and…What, there’s more creaking. Crap! EVERYONE OFF THE SET! IT’S GOING TO COLLAPSE!
(The actors sprint off the set just as it crashes to the ground; one of the brothers is able to pull the rogue from the room)
Director: Everyone ok? Ok good, I don’t think we can afford another wounded actor. Ok we’ll call it a day and try and salvage something out of this. Seeya tomorrow!
(The director is back in his office watching the day’s filming with his assistant)
Director: Ok, we had numerous problems today, well that’s what happens with rewrites, but I think most of it is salvageable. I only had one concern…See here, this part…the witch…she keeps fading in and out of the film. I think that green make-up she’s wearing isn’t being registered by our film. We’re going to have to shoot the whole damn thing over again. What? Since she’s a witch we’ll say she can go invisible? Saul, you’re a genius!

The stunning Second Adventure

The Second Adventure
We return to our story…already in progress…and approaching over budget.
(We see the director in a small, cluttered office, nervously talking on the phone to his producer)
Director: Well, yes…we did have a few problems. One of our actors playing the brothers got a bit injured in filming the last scene….What? No…he’ll be ok, he’s just going to be out for a few days, and we’ll film around him. I’ve already got Saul doing a few rewrites for me to mention his injury at the hands of the shark...yes, I know it was a sea lion, but since the action happened off camera, I thought I would use the scene cards to say it was a shark, because…you know…sharks just seem scarier. What?!? You liked the sea lion, what’s that…ok…ok…ok...uh huh…ok…ok, well I’ll just have the card say sea lion. Anything else, Sir? Uh huh…I see.
(Here we see the director sigh quietly and dejectedly while wiping his obviously sweaty forehead with his handkerchief)
Director: Ok, you say you really liked the magician whose no longer going to be a magician, so you thought we should go ahead and have one, but not him because you also like the idea of him being an ex-magician. Ok you’re confusing me a little with that sir. Oh, you want to introduce a new character that’s a magician full time, and since were down a brother, you also felt that this new character should use a bow. Well I would hate to second-guess you sir, since it’s your investment and all, but really the script just doesn’t seem to have room for another charac…ok you want one anyway. But sir, we’ve already begun filming and finding another actor at such short notice may prove dif…Oh you’ve already found one? Your nephew? (Sighs) I see sir, but does he have any acting experience per se?
(The director is now mimicking banging his head against his desk)
Director: Well I’m sure he could learn on the set sir, and you want him to be distinct from the others? He’s not a midget is he? No, darn, we could have given the dwarf a brother. Ok you want him to be a what? An elf? What’s an elf? Something else from Norse mythology like the dwarf? I see, well I guess we can do that, but really sir I think your love of Skaldic epics may be having undue influence on what I think was a really good script to begin with. What? Well, yes I guess it is your money and we can rewrite it the way you want. No I’m sure the screenwriter won’t mind. Yes sir, I’m sure they love it when people rewrite their work to improve on it. Yes, I’m sure he will probably thank me. Well if that’s all (crosses fingers) I’ll say goodbye now and go back to shooting with the changes you recommend. Thank you sir, you too, goodbye.
(The director takes a half-full bottle of scotch from beneath his desk, takes a swig from it and leaves his office and moves back towards the set)
Director: SAUL!!!! I’m going to need some rewrites. Put the card saying that one of the brothers was mauled by a sea lion back in. Apparently our producer thinks that sharks can’t be too menacing because people can just get out of the water, plus he says we couldn’t really film underwater anyway and we can’t really get a man in a shark suit to move like a real shark. He said because of these limitations nobody will ever make a shark movie that will see any profit and he isn’t going to throw his money away trying. Well anyway, let’s get to shooting.
(Scene 6, adventures back at the inn)
Director: Ok for this scene I want a little foreshadowing. The group is back at the inn where they’re going to talk to the female innkeeper, don’t worry we’ve gotten someone good looking and exotic for the part. Yep, part Japanese, a real looker. She’ll get kidnapped later, so I want a few good close-ups on her. Ok put up the card saying that the brother that was mauled is out of commission and good. CUT! Print it!
(Scene 7, the sheriff’s office)
Director: Ok now were back with the bald sheriff, we’re going to give some exposition into these goblin attacks and introduce the producer’s nephew. I mean the new elf here. Oh and make the woman that all of these people are trying to meet also be an elf, so it looks like this new guy isn’t the only one in the world. Ok good, cue the sheriff talk…talk…talk…Oh for Crissakes! Emote already! No…MORE! Yes that’s it, yes, yes, you’re doing great (rolls eyes) Ok the sheriff is going to leave the group in charge while he recruits more men to fight off the goblin attack
(Scene 8, the scrap heap)
Director: Ok not too much here. The group is looking for goblins but not finding any. Ok let’s have a bit of trash dropped on them for comic relief, ok good
(Scene 9, Foxglove’s breakfast)
Director: Ok here we’re going to have a nice breakfast with the rich nobleman the dwarf and the magician saved, good…good…this is just a bit of foreshadowing and a little bit of group bonding as these strangers are growing more comfortable with one another.
(Scene 10, the mayor’s office)
Director: Ok since the guy playing the sheriff is off sulking because he doesn’t like my direction, the heroes are in charge. They are going to meet the mayor who is played whom Saul? Oh over there? Could you point them out? The guy behind the woman? No? You mean the woman? What-the-hell Saul, nobody’s going to buy a female mayor. What? The producer’s sister? I thought the producer’s sister was the barmaid? Oh different sister…I see (sighs). Just out of curiosity Saul, How many family members does our beloved producer have that are going to be in this picture? What? I don’t want to know? Catholic you say? Fine, female mayor, whatever…let’s shoot it. Ok they meet the mayor. When they’re interrupted by a note mentioning the kidnapping. Great work with those midgets Saul, this one looks different from the others, very distinctive. Why is she barefoot?...ok I won’t worry about it, we’ll just go with it. CUT and Print!

(Scene 11 the glassblowers)
Director: Ok we’re going to have a big fight against the goblins here. They’ve kidnapped the sexy barkeep by sending her a note from her half-brother. Ok let the heroes really fight it out. Ok good lots of damage, no wait, you don’t jump through that…..window…Ok good not damaged, our insurance budget was running a bit high. Now good chase the mysterious um..elf…or whatever that’s behind the goblins, good capture him and let’s rescue the barmaid. Oh she’s tied up, not too sexy Saul, those crazy suffragettes will be all over us for that. Ok good, she’s rescued, the villain turns out to be her brother after all, but he’s not the overall master mind, good a dark mysterious tunnel leads off into the distance and CUT…that’s a wrap for today… See you all tomorrow bright and early.

The First Story
In the great expanse of history there have been many epic battles; the fall of Troy, Waterloo, the invasion of Normandy. But many battles although important, go unrecorded by the annals of history. This is one such struggle. Taking place not so long ago in a land that is now more imagination than substance… this is our story.
Hollywood, California 1916
(A director sits in his elevated chair waiting to shoot his first full-length picture)
Director: Saul! Let me see that script. (Reads script) What’s this? Revenge of the Goblin King? What the hell is that? I thought we were going to be shooting Revenge of the Troll King. What? Oh, the midgets worked cheaper did they? Well that’s good I guess we can do that, looks like we’re still ripping off that same Nibelung thing that the writer was going on about yesterday. But hey they’re still German, and still going to be the bad guys. That’ll show em for the Lusitania. Oh well let’s cue this thing and get rolling.
(Scene 1: the goblin attack)
Director: Ok good we’ve got a crowd scene, yep this is where our hero will meet his….What? Multiple heroes? The producer wants an ensemble picture? You think the audience will follow a multi-point narrative? Oh well it’s his money. Hey why’s that hairy midget not in his goblin costume? What he’s going to one of the heroes? A dwarf? One of the ancient enemies of the goblins? You think the audience is going to know that? Right I’ll flash it on a scene card. Ok let’s get rolling. ACTION!
(The scene is of a crowd milling about listening to some speeches)
Director: Ok crowd scene good, pretend to pay attention. CUT! Ok bald guy could you emote a little more the audience can’t hear you so you’ve really got to sell this with your movements? What, you’ve done Shakespeare? Well buddy you would have killed him with boredom if he had to watch this. Now take It from the top again and ACTION!
(The speeches continue for awhile until the crowd is dispersed by an attack of small, pointy-eared, bug-eyed creatures who begin chanting and lighting things on fire. The crowd panics)
Director: Good! Good! Go Goblins Ok dance a little, yep sway around. Yep show you teeth, menace the people. Ok cue the smoke, Ok good, good…no wait too much smoke we’re losing the shot, half the set is covered in smoke. Wait…do you smell that…is something actually burning? Pull the fire alarm. Out of the building people! SOMEBODY GET THAT FIRE UNDER CONTROL!
(A short while later)
Director: Ok we’re back to shooting same scene, a little less smoke this time. Ok let’s see that panic and close-up on our heroes. Ok the brothers….good…good…menace those goblins…yep….Ok now the rogue. Ok where the hell is he? What? He’s walked off set because he felt that his character’s motivation would be to rob the jewelry store in all the panic? Damn Stage Actors! Ok tell him to get back into the scene will go to one of the others? I don’t know Saul…tell him that he’s a thief with a heart of gold and he is going to mend his ways. Oh hell, tell him will change the sign later to say dry goods or something else he wouldn’t want to steal. I’m going to continue rolling. Ok good, good, we’ve got people fighting goblins, we’ve got goblins chanting and dancing, yep they look all menacing, and the camera pans and…What the hell?!? Why is that guy throwing fire-crackers at the goblins? What?!? Oh he’s a powerful magician that fights with spells? Do we have the budget for that? Oh, I see, later he’s going to give up his pursuit of magic to fight bare-fisted. That’s stupid! Why can’t he give it up to fight with a sword like everyone else? What? Oh no more armor, and a helmet would cover his face and he’s the most attractive actor we’ve got? Good thinking…and we can say that he still retains enough his residual magic to cast a protective shield upon himself, which will explain why he doesn’t get hit by all those swords. Excellent! Ok let’s have him and the dwarf guy run off and fight the goblin leader…yep, yep, that will bond them together…Good Good! Yep have the dwarf guy defeat him let’s make him look heroic, and that noblemen he’s saving…make him look more American so it will serve as a good message of us slugging into those lousy Hun bastards…Good idea on giving the goblin leader the spiked German helmet Saul, that should be suggestive enough. Good…good, and the leader is defeated, the others run away…CUT….print it.
(Scene 2 the heroes meet)
Director: Ok a tavern, the heroes all meet and get to know one another, good…good, some camaraderie is forming. Wait, why does that ugly barmaid keep getting into my shot? The producer’s sister? Ok…Ok…keep her in there. Ok we’ve got the heroes meeting, they’re talking, they’re revealing similar goal, they’re drinking to their victory…Wait, why are they swaying?!? Did they sneak in real alcohol? Great drunk actors, fine keep shooting, nobody can hear what they’re saying anyway thank god! I swear I’m voting for prohibition the next time it comes up on the ballot. Ok we’ve got enough camaraderie, put them to bed and have them sober for our next scene tomorrow?
(Scene 3 the graveyard)
Director: Ok I’ve just been informed that we can’t show the body-snatching scene, because it might be too graphic for audiences, so we’ll just show the heroes discussing it. Bring back that bald sheriff guy. He’ll help point them in the right direction and then gather up the local militia to support our heroes. Yep good, have the two brothers search around, we’ll make them some sort of super trackers, almost like blood-hounds. Good…good…they’ve got the trail and they’ll follow it out of town…and…CUT!
(Scene 4 on the goblin trail)
Director: Ok good, look sharp, our heroes have followed the goblins to their island lair…by-the-way, good model Saul, tell the prop-guys they did well. Ok the bald sheriff sends them on their own, they come to the lair, but oh no, they’ve got to pass through this tunnel of thorny reeds to get to it. What? No thorns? Well, pretend like they’re thorns and go through the tunnel. Ok we’re going in, the adventurers seem nervous, the tunnel is branching this way and that. They try and get their bearings when suddenly they come to a hole in the tunnel, they think that they can climb down and approach the lair secretly by sea….and CUT!
(Scene 5 the hole to the sea)
Director: Ok, ok, we’re sending the two brothers down….we’ll have the magician make a magic light so that they can see. What? You like that, yep, just thought of it. That magician angle may come in more useful than I thought. Ok lower them down…ok let the light illuminate the bones…ok they’re in the water and cue the shark attack and….WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I wanted a shark scene Saul; you’ve given me a guy in a rubber suit that looks like a retarded seal! Nobody’s going to be scared by a FUCKING SEAL! Grab the brothers out of the water. I was going to make this very emotional by having one of them killed by a shark and his brother swear eternal vengeance on the goblins, but I’m not having by best dramatic scene ruined by some seal-tard. CUT! That’s a wrap, burn that scene. Hell, anyone know if the actors still have some alcohol lying around. I need a drink.
Page: (loudly) A message for Mr. Smithee. The Producer needs to speak with you. Mr. Alan Smithee!