The Thrilling Third Adventure

The Third Adventure
Another day, another dollar, another shoot
A land of illusions, a land of dreams, a land of promises. Hollywood will be all of these things to people. Where a person’s limits are only the bounds of his or her own imagination…and of course a producer’s whim.
(Our director is smiling, there is a brisk walk in his step, and he moves like a man who knows he’s on top of the world. Not realizing that the light he sees at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)
Director: Ah yes Saul (takes a deep breath of crisp, clean, air) there are some days when it’s good to be alive. We’re shooting the big battle scene and the filming of this picture is reaching its midpoint. Let me glance at the script…thank you…let’s see I think today we’re doing the encounter with the Goblin King in the tunnel if I’m not mistaken.
(The director begins thumbing through the script, at first lazily, then with growing consternation, more and more frantically)
Director: (frustrated) Damn it Saul! This is the wrong script, I don’t see a bit about a Goblin king, just a bunch of tunnels and then some monsters and then some form of winged witch. This is obviously the script for the horror picture they’re filming on the next lot. Run this over and see if they have ours! What? What! WHAT!!!!! What do you mean the producer ordered rewrites? What the hell for? What? He thought our heroes needed more time to bond. What the hell does he want?! Some sort of free-love Utopian society nonsense?
(The director thumbs through the script again)
Director: There’s not a single damn goblin in this crap! We’re shooting a movie called Revenge of the Goblin King and so far all we have to show for it is a wounded cast member, and a group of people on a journey with lots of midgets and now a witch. Do you honestly think that the movie going public who are used to such brilliant spectacles as Griffin’s Nation are going to spend good money to see a movie that all it has in it is a BUNCH OF MIDGETS AND A WITCH! No, I don’t think so. The farm-belt alone will kill us. I’ll be right back. I’m calling the producer
(The director storms off the set and is gone for quite some time, when he returns to the set, the spring from his step is gone, he collapses into his chair with a sigh)
Director: Ok hand out the new script to the actors, we’re going to fight some monsters and a witch…yippee
(Scene 12, At the mouth of the tunnel)
Director: Ok we’ll pick up where we left off. Part of the group will split off to take the brother back for justice. Put a card up saying there might be mob violence. Also show some of our heroes getting some guards to watch the tunnel. Yep, now make the guards look nervous like they don’t know what untold horrors lay down that tunnel. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not goblins. Ok, now have the group of heroes come back. Is the brother healed? Nope, oh well we will go without him.
(Scene 13, Within the tunnel)
Director: OK the rewrite says we’re going to run into a witch with monsters that will fight our heroes. Now to give some foreshadowing of what is to come, I’m going to have one of the monsters attack the heroes. Yes, yes, now walk down that hall. You, yes you, turn into that side passage. What, yes I know there’s nothing back there; we don’t have the set built. Just look around the corner like the passage continues. We’ll have the monster attack you and we’ll worry about the set later. Good, yes you, you will scout ahead, yes and the monster attacks from the shadows. Battle ensues. Good, Cut! That’s a wrap. Ok onto next scene and meeting the (sigh) witch
(Scene 14, The temple)
Director: Ok before we get to the witch, we’re going to have you walk through an abandoned scary altar room. Our set for the witch’s chamber is still being built and apparently our witch still needs some costume work so if you would follow me over to the lot next door, they’re shooting a horror pic, and we were told we could use their set for a bit. Ok, there it is, wow nice altar. Wonder what their budget is? Oh well never mind. I want everyone to look around and examine things. Let the mood build, we’ll try and get some mist through there. Yep, examine everything take your time and CUT! Ok that’s lunch; we’ll meet back on our lot in about an hour hopefully our set and make-up problems will be solved by then.
(Scene 15, the fight against the witch)
Director: Ok, here we are, um…do you think that set is stable? Well, it looks pieced together….what, you say it’ll hold, ok we’ll have to go with it. I’m just saying that our set doesn’t look as good as the one next door, and holy crap what’s that?!? Yes, I can see that they’re skulls, that’s not what I’m talking about, what the hell are they in? A fel pool? What the hell is a fel pool, it smells terrible? Oh…something used by witches for their rituals. Well, I don’t like it…lose it…What? Subsidence? Oh we hit something in the sewer lines and that ooze started bubbling up, so you decided to disguise it as a fel pool so it would sort of blend in. Good thinking smells awful though, we’ll try to get this scene done quickly. Heck actors are mostly animals anyway, so they probably won’t notice.
(Holds up megaphone)
Director: Ok actors go in, you will encounter the witch and several of her minions, fight her, defeat her, and we’ll be done. Ok ACTION!
(The heroes are seen going into a chamber wherein lie several of the monsters they have met before, some giant spiders, and the evil witch)
Director: Ok dangle those spiders a bit more, make them look menacing. Hey you! Yes you, rogue-guy, stop holding your nose, I don’t care what you smell, just get in there. Ok good, encounter the spiders, and the monsters and fight them, and Holy crap, that’s an ugly witch. Good very menacing. I like the green, sort of looks all slimy. Not sure about the wings though, they don’t seem to flap very well, but at least it explains the flying about the room. Good good, Menace those heroes witch! Yep now throw some daggers at them. Good…Now monsters, fight. Ok you…um dwarf… charge up those stairs at her. What, they don’t look safe? Now the set guys informed me that they are perfectly safe, so try one. What…oh that didn’t sound good…yep that creaking better stay down, we’ll bring the fight to you. Yep might just want to back away from those stairs. Hey you two? Why aren’t you entering? The smell? Great, our elf and our unarmed warrior aren’t entering and what? Crap, You! Monster 2! I think you just knocked out one of the actors. What?! Oh he slipped in the slime. Crap! Oh well, keep rolling. Ok witch, go back to your starting mark and pretend to summon some more creatures and…What, there’s more creaking. Crap! EVERYONE OFF THE SET! IT’S GOING TO COLLAPSE!
(The actors sprint off the set just as it crashes to the ground; one of the brothers is able to pull the rogue from the room)
Director: Everyone ok? Ok good, I don’t think we can afford another wounded actor. Ok we’ll call it a day and try and salvage something out of this. Seeya tomorrow!
(The director is back in his office watching the day’s filming with his assistant)
Director: Ok, we had numerous problems today, well that’s what happens with rewrites, but I think most of it is salvageable. I only had one concern…See here, this part…the witch…she keeps fading in and out of the film. I think that green make-up she’s wearing isn’t being registered by our film. We’re going to have to shoot the whole damn thing over again. What? Since she’s a witch we’ll say she can go invisible? Saul, you’re a genius!