The First Story
In the great expanse of history there have been many epic battles; the fall of Troy, Waterloo, the invasion of Normandy. But many battles although important, go unrecorded by the annals of history. This is one such struggle. Taking place not so long ago in a land that is now more imagination than substance… this is our story.
Hollywood, California 1916
(A director sits in his elevated chair waiting to shoot his first full-length picture)
Director: Saul! Let me see that script. (Reads script) What’s this? Revenge of the Goblin King? What the hell is that? I thought we were going to be shooting Revenge of the Troll King. What? Oh, the midgets worked cheaper did they? Well that’s good I guess we can do that, looks like we’re still ripping off that same Nibelung thing that the writer was going on about yesterday. But hey they’re still German, and still going to be the bad guys. That’ll show em for the Lusitania. Oh well let’s cue this thing and get rolling.
(Scene 1: the goblin attack)
Director: Ok good we’ve got a crowd scene, yep this is where our hero will meet his….What? Multiple heroes? The producer wants an ensemble picture? You think the audience will follow a multi-point narrative? Oh well it’s his money. Hey why’s that hairy midget not in his goblin costume? What he’s going to one of the heroes? A dwarf? One of the ancient enemies of the goblins? You think the audience is going to know that? Right I’ll flash it on a scene card. Ok let’s get rolling. ACTION!
(The scene is of a crowd milling about listening to some speeches)
Director: Ok crowd scene good, pretend to pay attention. CUT! Ok bald guy could you emote a little more the audience can’t hear you so you’ve really got to sell this with your movements? What, you’ve done Shakespeare? Well buddy you would have killed him with boredom if he had to watch this. Now take It from the top again and ACTION!
(The speeches continue for awhile until the crowd is dispersed by an attack of small, pointy-eared, bug-eyed creatures who begin chanting and lighting things on fire. The crowd panics)
Director: Good! Good! Go Goblins Ok dance a little, yep sway around. Yep show you teeth, menace the people. Ok cue the smoke, Ok good, good…no wait too much smoke we’re losing the shot, half the set is covered in smoke. Wait…do you smell that…is something actually burning? Pull the fire alarm. Out of the building people! SOMEBODY GET THAT FIRE UNDER CONTROL!
(A short while later)
Director: Ok we’re back to shooting same scene, a little less smoke this time. Ok let’s see that panic and close-up on our heroes. Ok the brothers….good…good…menace those goblins…yep….Ok now the rogue. Ok where the hell is he? What? He’s walked off set because he felt that his character’s motivation would be to rob the jewelry store in all the panic? Damn Stage Actors! Ok tell him to get back into the scene will go to one of the others? I don’t know Saul…tell him that he’s a thief with a heart of gold and he is going to mend his ways. Oh hell, tell him will change the sign later to say dry goods or something else he wouldn’t want to steal. I’m going to continue rolling. Ok good, good, we’ve got people fighting goblins, we’ve got goblins chanting and dancing, yep they look all menacing, and the camera pans and…What the hell?!? Why is that guy throwing fire-crackers at the goblins? What?!? Oh he’s a powerful magician that fights with spells? Do we have the budget for that? Oh, I see, later he’s going to give up his pursuit of magic to fight bare-fisted. That’s stupid! Why can’t he give it up to fight with a sword like everyone else? What? Oh no more armor, and a helmet would cover his face and he’s the most attractive actor we’ve got? Good thinking…and we can say that he still retains enough his residual magic to cast a protective shield upon himself, which will explain why he doesn’t get hit by all those swords. Excellent! Ok let’s have him and the dwarf guy run off and fight the goblin leader…yep, yep, that will bond them together…Good Good! Yep have the dwarf guy defeat him let’s make him look heroic, and that noblemen he’s saving…make him look more American so it will serve as a good message of us slugging into those lousy Hun bastards…Good idea on giving the goblin leader the spiked German helmet Saul, that should be suggestive enough. Good…good, and the leader is defeated, the others run away…CUT….print it.
(Scene 2 the heroes meet)
Director: Ok a tavern, the heroes all meet and get to know one another, good…good, some camaraderie is forming. Wait, why does that ugly barmaid keep getting into my shot? The producer’s sister? Ok…Ok…keep her in there. Ok we’ve got the heroes meeting, they’re talking, they’re revealing similar goal, they’re drinking to their victory…Wait, why are they swaying?!? Did they sneak in real alcohol? Great drunk actors, fine keep shooting, nobody can hear what they’re saying anyway thank god! I swear I’m voting for prohibition the next time it comes up on the ballot. Ok we’ve got enough camaraderie, put them to bed and have them sober for our next scene tomorrow?
(Scene 3 the graveyard)
Director: Ok I’ve just been informed that we can’t show the body-snatching scene, because it might be too graphic for audiences, so we’ll just show the heroes discussing it. Bring back that bald sheriff guy. He’ll help point them in the right direction and then gather up the local militia to support our heroes. Yep good, have the two brothers search around, we’ll make them some sort of super trackers, almost like blood-hounds. Good…good…they’ve got the trail and they’ll follow it out of town…and…CUT!
(Scene 4 on the goblin trail)
Director: Ok good, look sharp, our heroes have followed the goblins to their island lair…by-the-way, good model Saul, tell the prop-guys they did well. Ok the bald sheriff sends them on their own, they come to the lair, but oh no, they’ve got to pass through this tunnel of thorny reeds to get to it. What? No thorns? Well, pretend like they’re thorns and go through the tunnel. Ok we’re going in, the adventurers seem nervous, the tunnel is branching this way and that. They try and get their bearings when suddenly they come to a hole in the tunnel, they think that they can climb down and approach the lair secretly by sea….and CUT!
(Scene 5 the hole to the sea)
Director: Ok, ok, we’re sending the two brothers down….we’ll have the magician make a magic light so that they can see. What? You like that, yep, just thought of it. That magician angle may come in more useful than I thought. Ok lower them down…ok let the light illuminate the bones…ok they’re in the water and cue the shark attack and….WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I wanted a shark scene Saul; you’ve given me a guy in a rubber suit that looks like a retarded seal! Nobody’s going to be scared by a FUCKING SEAL! Grab the brothers out of the water. I was going to make this very emotional by having one of them killed by a shark and his brother swear eternal vengeance on the goblins, but I’m not having by best dramatic scene ruined by some seal-tard. CUT! That’s a wrap, burn that scene. Hell, anyone know if the actors still have some alcohol lying around. I need a drink.
Page: (loudly) A message for Mr. Smithee. The Producer needs to speak with you. Mr. Alan Smithee!