The
Pathfinder
Society
Report
By: Tyack Verumpeto
The Pathfinder’s Society
Tyack Verumpeto
Report 1.0:
Valdaire, Uzbak and I traveled to Magnimar with our prisoners where we have been initiated into the Pathfinder Society. Our companion Nando has opted not to at this time, but time may change his mind. At the trial Tsuto was found guilty of various crimes and sentenced to life in prison. Lyrie the wizard received 10 years in prison for her crimes. The judge was an incredibly stern elf by the name of Judge Ironbriar. We have adopted the name of the Seekers for our group and continue to seek out new information for the Society as well as concentrate on our friends in Sandpoint.
The news from Sandpoint is varied; there is good news such as the engagement of Amiko to Belven Valdemar. This will unite two of the strongest families in the area and seems to have upset the Scarnetti family. In addition Father Zantus’s congregation at the cathedral seems to be getting larger. Accompanying this good news is some bad which has me suspecting that some sort of Wrathwell is still around. Firstly, there have been a number of rabid dog attacks one of which attacked Jubrayl Vihski, a local rogue, secondly the local junk collector Gorvy a half-orc junk collector has been getting into frequent bar fights and finally, a sudden wind blew open the shutters at the cathedral and blew out all of the candles. This was all happening while we were gone.
Since we have been back, Vin Vinder’s youngest daughter Shayliss seems to have a bit of hero worship and tried to lure me into a tryst which I resisted, not wishing to compromise her honor. Apparently Nando was also sought out and was unable to resist, and was caught by her father before anything serious could be started. In addition I finally went on the boar hunt with Aldern Foxglove and find him to be a little bit flighty and had too casual a disregard for his employees’ safety when one was gored. In addition my room has been burgled of a vial of ink.
However, after we had been back for more than a week, true disaster struck. The sheriff called us in to help assist him with a couple of grisly murders. (Leading me to suspect more and more another Wrathwell.) The murders were committed at the Scarnetti sawmill and were of one of the employees Bannie Harker and his girlfriend Katrine Vinder (Vin’s eldest daughter). It seems that Bannie was using the sawmill for trysts with Katrine to avoid Vin finding them. Harker’s body was horribly mutilated. His body had been hung on a hook, his face had been carved off and his chest was defaced with a 7-pointed star rune which had been meticulously carved into it. Katrine’s body seemed to have been disposed of more haphazardly as she had been thrown on the wood splitter and carved in two. A discarded axe led us to the conclusion that she had attempted to fight back to no avail. Harker’s body also had a note left for me saying that my life might be in danger, but I cannot think of anyone who would want me dead except perhaps Tsuto, but he is safely locked up.
The person who found him was the employee who opened up named Ibor Thorn. We quickly dismissed him as a suspect but he did provide us with information that Harker had been embezzling from the Scarnettis. This might make me suspect them, because they have a talent for ruthlessness, but I don’t think mere money would make them perform this kind of ritualistic slaying.
We also learned from the sheriff that these were not the only murders. Apparently some reprobates who had been run out of town had also been killed, one with a note similar to the one waiting for me. A man, who seemed quite mad when found by the guards had either witnessed the event or stumble across the bodies. He was being kept in Habe’s sanitarium and Habe refused to surrender him to the guards we sent. An interesting thing about the bodies which had been found had been their lack of jawbones which we deduced were to keep any communication with the dead spells from being performed.
Eventually we went to the sanitarium to see the madman whose name was Grayst Sevilla. After being rudely greeted by Habe the owner of the facility, we were eventually able to talk our way in. I spoke briefly with Grayst who only spoke about “razors and teeth” and “the skinsaw man is coming”. Further questioning only revealed the phrases “he that unmade me, he has a place for you” and “come to the Misgivings to meet the pack”. After babbling a little bit more, he burst out of his strait jacket and attacked me. Valdaire scorched him with a spell and on his body we found a chain with a key with a flower wreath of thorns insignia. Further investigation showed the insignia to belong to the Foxglove family and that Foxglove manor is nicknamed the Misgivings. Since I had met and boar hunted with Aldern Foxglove recently, I felt we should question him.
Report Ends
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Summative Sixth Adventure
The Sixth Story
June, 1917 Hollywood, California
Newspapers blow by and dance over the grounds where movie sets used to be. The United States entered the Great War on April 6, 1917 and with great fervor and patriotism, many young men rushed to enlist and prove their heroism on the battlefields of France. Much of the cast and crew of Revenge of the Goblin King were among the early recruits, and production has permanently shut down. In the interest of providing an end to the narrative we will recount what happened after the group had finished capturing the fighter Orik.
The group had settled in for the night. The Monk Tyack guarding the main entrance with Shilelu while Valdaire meditated in the cell room before guarding the long passage leading toward the stairway down. Lodeseeker guarded first and placed the everburning torches in sconces outside the temple of Lamashtu.
At 4AM the attacks began. First came a pair of yeth hounds who chased the party through the cell room and pinned them in within the temple. The hounds howled and Valdaire was overcome with fear. Then through the main doors of temple strode Nualia, the demon-clawed adopted daughter of the former high priest of Sandpoint. Bock pinned her down with arrow fire while Lodeseeker threw himself into a defensive mode of guarding the entrance and keeping the hounds at bay. The hounds were fierce and their enchanted hides made blows bounce off of them. Lando rushed to assist while Shilelu and Tyack ran down from upstairs. The party seemed doomed, but fortunately Bock’s brilliant bow work felled Nualia. With Nualia slain, the yeth hounds disappeared, and the spirit of Nualia’s adopted father brought her soul comfort into the afterlife.
The party then continued their rest and investigated the lower level of the Thistletop fortress. They enlisted the aid of the fighter Orik in return for promises of his freedom. He led them downstairs and informed them how to avoid a deadly trap. They searched Nualia’s chamber and found numerous notes on her search for the demon Malfeshnikor. In the chamber across from Nualia’s the group noticed a door that Orik informed them contained “Hell Shadows”. While searching the room, Bock’s brilliant perceptions were able to spot a column that contained a passage to the secret chamber Nualia had been seeking but not found.
The group journeyed into that chamber and saw a projected loop of a Thasalonian warning about some kind of disaster. Valdaire cast a spell to comprehend the language and got the gist of the abbreviated message. The group then debated on whether or not to go through a door at the end of this hidden chamber. Much of the group felt that the demon Malfeshnikor might be behind it and therefore opted to leave and take the prisoners back to Sandpoint.
Returning to Sandpoint, the party let Orik go as they had promised and returned to the city hailed as heroes. Many ceremonies took place and the group received monetary as well as magical compensation and were presented with purple scarves to recognize them as heroes of the town. Tyack parlayed his new-found hero status into serving as a role-model for the citizens and proclaiming that the people of Sandpoint who did the day-to-day jobs were the real heroes.
The group then did more research on Nualia and experienced a dream where the ghost of Chopper finally received peace. Tyack, Lodeseeker, and Valdaire then proceeded back to Thistletop accompanied by Father Zantus and two town guards. They went to clear Thistletop of the rest of its information in addition to any more material chamber that remained and to make Thistletop secure while they escorted the prisoners down to Magnamar. They also desired to show Father Zantus the temple of Lamashtu and have him look at other areas that his religious expertise might come in handier.
Once Father Zantus had seen the place the small group decided to open up the doors where Orik had said the shadows were. Casting many defensive spells and accompanied by Zantus and one of the guards named Cam. The group engaged the shadows and dispatched them without taking a single bit of damage. The group then found a secret door that led to passage leading to an underwater exit to the sea. Within a pool leading to the sea, the group saw a giant-sized golden helmet. Within the helmet was a monstrously huge hermit crab that attacked the party. Again the group fought valiantly and were able to dispatch it. The honor of the group demanded that the split all treasure gained equally and Father Zantus was moved and the guard Cam nearly fainted with his new-found wealth.
June, 1917 Hollywood, California
Newspapers blow by and dance over the grounds where movie sets used to be. The United States entered the Great War on April 6, 1917 and with great fervor and patriotism, many young men rushed to enlist and prove their heroism on the battlefields of France. Much of the cast and crew of Revenge of the Goblin King were among the early recruits, and production has permanently shut down. In the interest of providing an end to the narrative we will recount what happened after the group had finished capturing the fighter Orik.
The group had settled in for the night. The Monk Tyack guarding the main entrance with Shilelu while Valdaire meditated in the cell room before guarding the long passage leading toward the stairway down. Lodeseeker guarded first and placed the everburning torches in sconces outside the temple of Lamashtu.
At 4AM the attacks began. First came a pair of yeth hounds who chased the party through the cell room and pinned them in within the temple. The hounds howled and Valdaire was overcome with fear. Then through the main doors of temple strode Nualia, the demon-clawed adopted daughter of the former high priest of Sandpoint. Bock pinned her down with arrow fire while Lodeseeker threw himself into a defensive mode of guarding the entrance and keeping the hounds at bay. The hounds were fierce and their enchanted hides made blows bounce off of them. Lando rushed to assist while Shilelu and Tyack ran down from upstairs. The party seemed doomed, but fortunately Bock’s brilliant bow work felled Nualia. With Nualia slain, the yeth hounds disappeared, and the spirit of Nualia’s adopted father brought her soul comfort into the afterlife.
The party then continued their rest and investigated the lower level of the Thistletop fortress. They enlisted the aid of the fighter Orik in return for promises of his freedom. He led them downstairs and informed them how to avoid a deadly trap. They searched Nualia’s chamber and found numerous notes on her search for the demon Malfeshnikor. In the chamber across from Nualia’s the group noticed a door that Orik informed them contained “Hell Shadows”. While searching the room, Bock’s brilliant perceptions were able to spot a column that contained a passage to the secret chamber Nualia had been seeking but not found.
The group journeyed into that chamber and saw a projected loop of a Thasalonian warning about some kind of disaster. Valdaire cast a spell to comprehend the language and got the gist of the abbreviated message. The group then debated on whether or not to go through a door at the end of this hidden chamber. Much of the group felt that the demon Malfeshnikor might be behind it and therefore opted to leave and take the prisoners back to Sandpoint.
Returning to Sandpoint, the party let Orik go as they had promised and returned to the city hailed as heroes. Many ceremonies took place and the group received monetary as well as magical compensation and were presented with purple scarves to recognize them as heroes of the town. Tyack parlayed his new-found hero status into serving as a role-model for the citizens and proclaiming that the people of Sandpoint who did the day-to-day jobs were the real heroes.
The group then did more research on Nualia and experienced a dream where the ghost of Chopper finally received peace. Tyack, Lodeseeker, and Valdaire then proceeded back to Thistletop accompanied by Father Zantus and two town guards. They went to clear Thistletop of the rest of its information in addition to any more material chamber that remained and to make Thistletop secure while they escorted the prisoners down to Magnamar. They also desired to show Father Zantus the temple of Lamashtu and have him look at other areas that his religious expertise might come in handier.
Once Father Zantus had seen the place the small group decided to open up the doors where Orik had said the shadows were. Casting many defensive spells and accompanied by Zantus and one of the guards named Cam. The group engaged the shadows and dispatched them without taking a single bit of damage. The group then found a secret door that led to passage leading to an underwater exit to the sea. Within a pool leading to the sea, the group saw a giant-sized golden helmet. Within the helmet was a monstrously huge hermit crab that attacked the party. Again the group fought valiantly and were able to dispatch it. The honor of the group demanded that the split all treasure gained equally and Father Zantus was moved and the guard Cam nearly fainted with his new-found wealth.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Frenetic Fifth Adventure
The Fifth Story
“There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors”
Hollywood, early 1917
Director: Ok good that everyone is back from vacation. It seems that there was a few more problems with the sets than we had originally anticipated, but we’ve gotten new ones sturdily built and can begin shooting again. Ok first the bad news…the actor playing the brother has backed out. He got a better gig on a higher budget movie. I’m sure we all wish him well. What we are going to do for his scenes, is we’re bringing in the elf-girl that was the group’s contact. That way when they meet the goblins in their fortress, they will have numbers on their sides. Ok, good, let’s get this done.
(Scene 16, In town)
Director: Ok we’re going to have the sheriff come back. He’s going to congratulate the heroes and give them all gifts. Good…good…now he’s thanking them for taking on so much of the work while he was recruiting new guards. Everyone gets a gift…good. Ok now the group is going to go bond together celebrating their recent achievement. Ok everyone look like your having a good time at a drinking contest. Ok, wow good acting at the pretending to be drunk. Ok, you can stop pretending now. Ok put down the alcohol. CUT! Ok, sober up by tomorrow, a lot of shooting to do.
(Scene 17, the nettle woods)
Director: Ok stumble along group. Back through the forest where you saw the sea lion thing. You are going to approach the goblin fortress. Good, you’re nervous, you’re careful, you’re quiet, (sigh) you’re hung-over. Ok’ we’ll move through this scene quickly. Ok they see the pit that stopped them last time, and now they move on. Good and CUT!
(Scene 18, the goblin fortress)
Director: Wow! Look at that set. Did our prop guys do a wonderful job or what? Ok again we’ll be quiet, and sneak in. Ok you see some goblins patrolling and go around them. Ok elf, cast some of your spells to prepare for it. We’ll give you one that will deflect arrows, that will come in handy later. Ok now that the patrol has passed, move into the fortress and bar the door behind you. Unarmed fighter and former magician, cast your spell as well…good.
(Scene 19, within the fortress)
Director: Ok now we’re going to roam through the fortress and encounter some random groups of goblins and take them out. We’ve lost a bunch of our midgets over Christmas, so we’re only giving them to you in small groups. Ok first take out the guards. Yep, quickly before they can arrange the alarms. Good, you’ve taken out the tower goblins and continue to search. Sal! Why are the actors eating those pickles on the set? Their lunch?!? Can’t they eat it in the canteen? Ok, well, we’ll incorporate it somehow. Ok now let’s explore the area a little more before launching into the big confrontation with the Goblin King. What Sal? Ok we’re going to have multiple leaders you get to fight; apparently our test group felt we needed more action. So we’re going to have multiple battle scenes.
(Scene 20, Ripnugget’s throne room)
Director: Ok, the party is going to catch the goblin leader totally by surprise. Good, burst in and start fighting. Good…Ok everyone gets to do something. Rogue, move around and start attacking. Archers fire! Good Ok you, goblin king, get on that lizard and start fighting. And good, mass fighting, chaos erupts and the group emerges victoriously. There is much cheering and you search the area for any loot he may have acquired. You find some keys to use later and CUT!
(Scene 21, the Female magician)
Director: Ok this is one of the new scenes, while some of the midgets are getting into new goblin outfits; we’re going to have an interaction with a female mage. Ok, you…archer you talk to her while everyone hides. Try and get her to surrender. You, female magician, you’re going to foolishly refuse to surrender. You’re going to try and talk your way out of it good, but you’re ambushed…now flee. Flee through the secret passage and down a set of stairs. Good good, now unarmed warrior, you move with supreme speed and catch up to her. She is going to fire magic at you, but oh no, you foolishly forgot to cast your protective spell. But finally you reach her and catch her. You knock her unconscious and take her prisoner. Good you now investigate the rest of the fortress. You find a horse that the goblins were trying to kill, and you feed it and get it fresh water. Ok now you find a prisoner room where you are going to dump your captives. CUT!
(Scene 22, down in the basement) Ok you are going to continue to investigate the fortress. You go down stairs and look around. You walk around and investigate. Suddenly you are attacked by a strange tentacled creature from the ceiling. Rogue, you nearly die, but are ok. Those potions you keep finding have amazing curative powers which are the only things that keep you from dying. Ok now we’re going to have you ambushed by one of the other goblin lords. You…magician…they are going to shoot from behind. Fortunately! You had already cast your protective spell upon you and it bounces harmlessly off. Now the group turns as one and takes the goblin leader down in record time. He drops immediately and his entourage runs away. You chase them onto the bridge and slay them but one gets away into the woods. You rebarricade the door where they broke through.
(Scene 23, the sleeping quarters) Ok last scenes, then we’re breaking for the day. You come across the sleeping quarters of all the villains. There is an armored man here. You fight and knock him unconscious. Now you’re going to drag him back to the cell room and CUT! That’s it for the day, let’s get lunch!
“There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors”
Hollywood, early 1917
Director: Ok good that everyone is back from vacation. It seems that there was a few more problems with the sets than we had originally anticipated, but we’ve gotten new ones sturdily built and can begin shooting again. Ok first the bad news…the actor playing the brother has backed out. He got a better gig on a higher budget movie. I’m sure we all wish him well. What we are going to do for his scenes, is we’re bringing in the elf-girl that was the group’s contact. That way when they meet the goblins in their fortress, they will have numbers on their sides. Ok, good, let’s get this done.
(Scene 16, In town)
Director: Ok we’re going to have the sheriff come back. He’s going to congratulate the heroes and give them all gifts. Good…good…now he’s thanking them for taking on so much of the work while he was recruiting new guards. Everyone gets a gift…good. Ok now the group is going to go bond together celebrating their recent achievement. Ok everyone look like your having a good time at a drinking contest. Ok, wow good acting at the pretending to be drunk. Ok, you can stop pretending now. Ok put down the alcohol. CUT! Ok, sober up by tomorrow, a lot of shooting to do.
(Scene 17, the nettle woods)
Director: Ok stumble along group. Back through the forest where you saw the sea lion thing. You are going to approach the goblin fortress. Good, you’re nervous, you’re careful, you’re quiet, (sigh) you’re hung-over. Ok’ we’ll move through this scene quickly. Ok they see the pit that stopped them last time, and now they move on. Good and CUT!
(Scene 18, the goblin fortress)
Director: Wow! Look at that set. Did our prop guys do a wonderful job or what? Ok again we’ll be quiet, and sneak in. Ok you see some goblins patrolling and go around them. Ok elf, cast some of your spells to prepare for it. We’ll give you one that will deflect arrows, that will come in handy later. Ok now that the patrol has passed, move into the fortress and bar the door behind you. Unarmed fighter and former magician, cast your spell as well…good.
(Scene 19, within the fortress)
Director: Ok now we’re going to roam through the fortress and encounter some random groups of goblins and take them out. We’ve lost a bunch of our midgets over Christmas, so we’re only giving them to you in small groups. Ok first take out the guards. Yep, quickly before they can arrange the alarms. Good, you’ve taken out the tower goblins and continue to search. Sal! Why are the actors eating those pickles on the set? Their lunch?!? Can’t they eat it in the canteen? Ok, well, we’ll incorporate it somehow. Ok now let’s explore the area a little more before launching into the big confrontation with the Goblin King. What Sal? Ok we’re going to have multiple leaders you get to fight; apparently our test group felt we needed more action. So we’re going to have multiple battle scenes.
(Scene 20, Ripnugget’s throne room)
Director: Ok, the party is going to catch the goblin leader totally by surprise. Good, burst in and start fighting. Good…Ok everyone gets to do something. Rogue, move around and start attacking. Archers fire! Good Ok you, goblin king, get on that lizard and start fighting. And good, mass fighting, chaos erupts and the group emerges victoriously. There is much cheering and you search the area for any loot he may have acquired. You find some keys to use later and CUT!
(Scene 21, the Female magician)
Director: Ok this is one of the new scenes, while some of the midgets are getting into new goblin outfits; we’re going to have an interaction with a female mage. Ok, you…archer you talk to her while everyone hides. Try and get her to surrender. You, female magician, you’re going to foolishly refuse to surrender. You’re going to try and talk your way out of it good, but you’re ambushed…now flee. Flee through the secret passage and down a set of stairs. Good good, now unarmed warrior, you move with supreme speed and catch up to her. She is going to fire magic at you, but oh no, you foolishly forgot to cast your protective spell. But finally you reach her and catch her. You knock her unconscious and take her prisoner. Good you now investigate the rest of the fortress. You find a horse that the goblins were trying to kill, and you feed it and get it fresh water. Ok now you find a prisoner room where you are going to dump your captives. CUT!
(Scene 22, down in the basement) Ok you are going to continue to investigate the fortress. You go down stairs and look around. You walk around and investigate. Suddenly you are attacked by a strange tentacled creature from the ceiling. Rogue, you nearly die, but are ok. Those potions you keep finding have amazing curative powers which are the only things that keep you from dying. Ok now we’re going to have you ambushed by one of the other goblin lords. You…magician…they are going to shoot from behind. Fortunately! You had already cast your protective spell upon you and it bounces harmlessly off. Now the group turns as one and takes the goblin leader down in record time. He drops immediately and his entourage runs away. You chase them onto the bridge and slay them but one gets away into the woods. You rebarricade the door where they broke through.
(Scene 23, the sleeping quarters) Ok last scenes, then we’re breaking for the day. You come across the sleeping quarters of all the villains. There is an armored man here. You fight and knock him unconscious. Now you’re going to drag him back to the cell room and CUT! That’s it for the day, let’s get lunch!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Facts of the Fourth Adventure
The Fourth Adventure
A tale told outside the canon
(Since the last story ended with a major set being destroyed and several actors fleeing for their lives, I give you this character interpretation by the actor playing Tyack. He will give his interpretation of how the next scenes were supposed to go while the sets are being rebuilt. We thank you for your patience)
The facts of the story are these. The party, having been beaten by the winged witch sought revenge upon her. We decided to play it smarter by having our spell casters actually do prep spells before going in. We opened the door to her lair and seeing nothing, Lodeseeker and Nando Calrissian made for the stairs near the orange pool where we saw her last. Bock readied a shot in case she appeared out of nowhere. I remained outside while Valdaire moved in.
The witch did appear and began cackling and casting spells. She knocked out some of Lodeseeker’s strength and flew toward the door before becoming invisible again. In the meantime Bock kept trying to gain a bead on her and backed up against a door when one of her evil minion deadites popped out and began attacking him. Lodeseeker and Bock devised a plan to draw it near, but nobody saw fit to inform Valdaire who blocked any regular movement.
Meanwhile the witch queen appeared above Nando’s head and started to give him a bad perm. I took this opportunity to knock the crap out of her stunning her and making her fall to the ground. Lodeseeker took this opportunity to pin her and we proceeded to pummel her to unconsciousness before slitting her throat.
After that Lodeseeker and Valdaire had the idea to bleed into the pool where the witch had summoned the deadites. Lodeseeker cut his finger along his axe and bled into the bubbling orange pool which simultaneously lowered the orange water level, and summoned an evil deadite. Thrice we did that, and dispatched them with ease. We then returned to the front of the tunnel where the guards were waiting and turned the witch’s body over to the acolyte Remmi to take to the head priest for examination.
We then proceeded back into the tunnel to explore it further. We found a couple of dead ends with collapsed stone that looked like it had remained like that for centuries. While going into a small room with a well in the center of it, Lodeseeker was attacked by a mysterious floating head creature known as a varguoille. It was quickly dispatched before it could harm him and we proceeded on.
We encountered a room with a few platforms and some more deadites which we rapidly killed. Then we came into a room lined with many small wooded platforms over creatures that appeared to be moaning. Inside that room was the great goblin hero Koruvus who had somehow mutated himself and grown a third arm. Koruvus had been missing for quite some time, so allegedly this is what he had been doing.
Koruvus spit blood-acid at Lodeseeker which slowed the dwarf’s limbs and tried desperately to engage us. Alas the party was too quick for him and he was summarily dispatched and we kept his body from further regenerating. We saw that the noises down in the pit were coming from zombies and we vowed to get rid of them after searching the last room.
The last room turned out to be some sort of chamber with a permanent levitation spell cast upon whatever was inside it. Several objects were floating around in it. Valdaire went in, collected the items. We then went back into the room with the zombies, used the wooden platforms over their pits as kindling and burned them into a proper deadness. Thus with our mission accomplished we returned to the town to find out what Shililu’s scouting report had given us about Thistletop.
A tale told outside the canon
(Since the last story ended with a major set being destroyed and several actors fleeing for their lives, I give you this character interpretation by the actor playing Tyack. He will give his interpretation of how the next scenes were supposed to go while the sets are being rebuilt. We thank you for your patience)
The facts of the story are these. The party, having been beaten by the winged witch sought revenge upon her. We decided to play it smarter by having our spell casters actually do prep spells before going in. We opened the door to her lair and seeing nothing, Lodeseeker and Nando Calrissian made for the stairs near the orange pool where we saw her last. Bock readied a shot in case she appeared out of nowhere. I remained outside while Valdaire moved in.
The witch did appear and began cackling and casting spells. She knocked out some of Lodeseeker’s strength and flew toward the door before becoming invisible again. In the meantime Bock kept trying to gain a bead on her and backed up against a door when one of her evil minion deadites popped out and began attacking him. Lodeseeker and Bock devised a plan to draw it near, but nobody saw fit to inform Valdaire who blocked any regular movement.
Meanwhile the witch queen appeared above Nando’s head and started to give him a bad perm. I took this opportunity to knock the crap out of her stunning her and making her fall to the ground. Lodeseeker took this opportunity to pin her and we proceeded to pummel her to unconsciousness before slitting her throat.
After that Lodeseeker and Valdaire had the idea to bleed into the pool where the witch had summoned the deadites. Lodeseeker cut his finger along his axe and bled into the bubbling orange pool which simultaneously lowered the orange water level, and summoned an evil deadite. Thrice we did that, and dispatched them with ease. We then returned to the front of the tunnel where the guards were waiting and turned the witch’s body over to the acolyte Remmi to take to the head priest for examination.
We then proceeded back into the tunnel to explore it further. We found a couple of dead ends with collapsed stone that looked like it had remained like that for centuries. While going into a small room with a well in the center of it, Lodeseeker was attacked by a mysterious floating head creature known as a varguoille. It was quickly dispatched before it could harm him and we proceeded on.
We encountered a room with a few platforms and some more deadites which we rapidly killed. Then we came into a room lined with many small wooded platforms over creatures that appeared to be moaning. Inside that room was the great goblin hero Koruvus who had somehow mutated himself and grown a third arm. Koruvus had been missing for quite some time, so allegedly this is what he had been doing.
Koruvus spit blood-acid at Lodeseeker which slowed the dwarf’s limbs and tried desperately to engage us. Alas the party was too quick for him and he was summarily dispatched and we kept his body from further regenerating. We saw that the noises down in the pit were coming from zombies and we vowed to get rid of them after searching the last room.
The last room turned out to be some sort of chamber with a permanent levitation spell cast upon whatever was inside it. Several objects were floating around in it. Valdaire went in, collected the items. We then went back into the room with the zombies, used the wooden platforms over their pits as kindling and burned them into a proper deadness. Thus with our mission accomplished we returned to the town to find out what Shililu’s scouting report had given us about Thistletop.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Thrilling Third Adventure
The Third Adventure
Another day, another dollar, another shoot
A land of illusions, a land of dreams, a land of promises. Hollywood will be all of these things to people. Where a person’s limits are only the bounds of his or her own imagination…and of course a producer’s whim.
(Our director is smiling, there is a brisk walk in his step, and he moves like a man who knows he’s on top of the world. Not realizing that the light he sees at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)
Director: Ah yes Saul (takes a deep breath of crisp, clean, air) there are some days when it’s good to be alive. We’re shooting the big battle scene and the filming of this picture is reaching its midpoint. Let me glance at the script…thank you…let’s see I think today we’re doing the encounter with the Goblin King in the tunnel if I’m not mistaken.
(The director begins thumbing through the script, at first lazily, then with growing consternation, more and more frantically)
Director: (frustrated) Damn it Saul! This is the wrong script, I don’t see a bit about a Goblin king, just a bunch of tunnels and then some monsters and then some form of winged witch. This is obviously the script for the horror picture they’re filming on the next lot. Run this over and see if they have ours! What? What! WHAT!!!!! What do you mean the producer ordered rewrites? What the hell for? What? He thought our heroes needed more time to bond. What the hell does he want?! Some sort of free-love Utopian society nonsense?
(The director thumbs through the script again)
Director: There’s not a single damn goblin in this crap! We’re shooting a movie called Revenge of the Goblin King and so far all we have to show for it is a wounded cast member, and a group of people on a journey with lots of midgets and now a witch. Do you honestly think that the movie going public who are used to such brilliant spectacles as Griffin’s Nation are going to spend good money to see a movie that all it has in it is a BUNCH OF MIDGETS AND A WITCH! No, I don’t think so. The farm-belt alone will kill us. I’ll be right back. I’m calling the producer
(The director storms off the set and is gone for quite some time, when he returns to the set, the spring from his step is gone, he collapses into his chair with a sigh)
Director: Ok hand out the new script to the actors, we’re going to fight some monsters and a witch…yippee
(Scene 12, At the mouth of the tunnel)
Director: Ok we’ll pick up where we left off. Part of the group will split off to take the brother back for justice. Put a card up saying there might be mob violence. Also show some of our heroes getting some guards to watch the tunnel. Yep, now make the guards look nervous like they don’t know what untold horrors lay down that tunnel. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not goblins. Ok, now have the group of heroes come back. Is the brother healed? Nope, oh well we will go without him.
(Scene 13, Within the tunnel)
Director: OK the rewrite says we’re going to run into a witch with monsters that will fight our heroes. Now to give some foreshadowing of what is to come, I’m going to have one of the monsters attack the heroes. Yes, yes, now walk down that hall. You, yes you, turn into that side passage. What, yes I know there’s nothing back there; we don’t have the set built. Just look around the corner like the passage continues. We’ll have the monster attack you and we’ll worry about the set later. Good, yes you, you will scout ahead, yes and the monster attacks from the shadows. Battle ensues. Good, Cut! That’s a wrap. Ok onto next scene and meeting the (sigh) witch
(Scene 14, The temple)
Director: Ok before we get to the witch, we’re going to have you walk through an abandoned scary altar room. Our set for the witch’s chamber is still being built and apparently our witch still needs some costume work so if you would follow me over to the lot next door, they’re shooting a horror pic, and we were told we could use their set for a bit. Ok, there it is, wow nice altar. Wonder what their budget is? Oh well never mind. I want everyone to look around and examine things. Let the mood build, we’ll try and get some mist through there. Yep, examine everything take your time and CUT! Ok that’s lunch; we’ll meet back on our lot in about an hour hopefully our set and make-up problems will be solved by then.
(Scene 15, the fight against the witch)
Director: Ok, here we are, um…do you think that set is stable? Well, it looks pieced together….what, you say it’ll hold, ok we’ll have to go with it. I’m just saying that our set doesn’t look as good as the one next door, and holy crap what’s that?!? Yes, I can see that they’re skulls, that’s not what I’m talking about, what the hell are they in? A fel pool? What the hell is a fel pool, it smells terrible? Oh…something used by witches for their rituals. Well, I don’t like it…lose it…What? Subsidence? Oh we hit something in the sewer lines and that ooze started bubbling up, so you decided to disguise it as a fel pool so it would sort of blend in. Good thinking smells awful though, we’ll try to get this scene done quickly. Heck actors are mostly animals anyway, so they probably won’t notice.
(Holds up megaphone)
Director: Ok actors go in, you will encounter the witch and several of her minions, fight her, defeat her, and we’ll be done. Ok ACTION!
(The heroes are seen going into a chamber wherein lie several of the monsters they have met before, some giant spiders, and the evil witch)
Director: Ok dangle those spiders a bit more, make them look menacing. Hey you! Yes you, rogue-guy, stop holding your nose, I don’t care what you smell, just get in there. Ok good, encounter the spiders, and the monsters and fight them, and Holy crap, that’s an ugly witch. Good very menacing. I like the green, sort of looks all slimy. Not sure about the wings though, they don’t seem to flap very well, but at least it explains the flying about the room. Good good, Menace those heroes witch! Yep now throw some daggers at them. Good…Now monsters, fight. Ok you…um dwarf… charge up those stairs at her. What, they don’t look safe? Now the set guys informed me that they are perfectly safe, so try one. What…oh that didn’t sound good…yep that creaking better stay down, we’ll bring the fight to you. Yep might just want to back away from those stairs. Hey you two? Why aren’t you entering? The smell? Great, our elf and our unarmed warrior aren’t entering and what? Crap, You! Monster 2! I think you just knocked out one of the actors. What?! Oh he slipped in the slime. Crap! Oh well, keep rolling. Ok witch, go back to your starting mark and pretend to summon some more creatures and…What, there’s more creaking. Crap! EVERYONE OFF THE SET! IT’S GOING TO COLLAPSE!
(The actors sprint off the set just as it crashes to the ground; one of the brothers is able to pull the rogue from the room)
Director: Everyone ok? Ok good, I don’t think we can afford another wounded actor. Ok we’ll call it a day and try and salvage something out of this. Seeya tomorrow!
(The director is back in his office watching the day’s filming with his assistant)
Director: Ok, we had numerous problems today, well that’s what happens with rewrites, but I think most of it is salvageable. I only had one concern…See here, this part…the witch…she keeps fading in and out of the film. I think that green make-up she’s wearing isn’t being registered by our film. We’re going to have to shoot the whole damn thing over again. What? Since she’s a witch we’ll say she can go invisible? Saul, you’re a genius!
Another day, another dollar, another shoot
A land of illusions, a land of dreams, a land of promises. Hollywood will be all of these things to people. Where a person’s limits are only the bounds of his or her own imagination…and of course a producer’s whim.
(Our director is smiling, there is a brisk walk in his step, and he moves like a man who knows he’s on top of the world. Not realizing that the light he sees at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)
Director: Ah yes Saul (takes a deep breath of crisp, clean, air) there are some days when it’s good to be alive. We’re shooting the big battle scene and the filming of this picture is reaching its midpoint. Let me glance at the script…thank you…let’s see I think today we’re doing the encounter with the Goblin King in the tunnel if I’m not mistaken.
(The director begins thumbing through the script, at first lazily, then with growing consternation, more and more frantically)
Director: (frustrated) Damn it Saul! This is the wrong script, I don’t see a bit about a Goblin king, just a bunch of tunnels and then some monsters and then some form of winged witch. This is obviously the script for the horror picture they’re filming on the next lot. Run this over and see if they have ours! What? What! WHAT!!!!! What do you mean the producer ordered rewrites? What the hell for? What? He thought our heroes needed more time to bond. What the hell does he want?! Some sort of free-love Utopian society nonsense?
(The director thumbs through the script again)
Director: There’s not a single damn goblin in this crap! We’re shooting a movie called Revenge of the Goblin King and so far all we have to show for it is a wounded cast member, and a group of people on a journey with lots of midgets and now a witch. Do you honestly think that the movie going public who are used to such brilliant spectacles as Griffin’s Nation are going to spend good money to see a movie that all it has in it is a BUNCH OF MIDGETS AND A WITCH! No, I don’t think so. The farm-belt alone will kill us. I’ll be right back. I’m calling the producer
(The director storms off the set and is gone for quite some time, when he returns to the set, the spring from his step is gone, he collapses into his chair with a sigh)
Director: Ok hand out the new script to the actors, we’re going to fight some monsters and a witch…yippee
(Scene 12, At the mouth of the tunnel)
Director: Ok we’ll pick up where we left off. Part of the group will split off to take the brother back for justice. Put a card up saying there might be mob violence. Also show some of our heroes getting some guards to watch the tunnel. Yep, now make the guards look nervous like they don’t know what untold horrors lay down that tunnel. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not goblins. Ok, now have the group of heroes come back. Is the brother healed? Nope, oh well we will go without him.
(Scene 13, Within the tunnel)
Director: OK the rewrite says we’re going to run into a witch with monsters that will fight our heroes. Now to give some foreshadowing of what is to come, I’m going to have one of the monsters attack the heroes. Yes, yes, now walk down that hall. You, yes you, turn into that side passage. What, yes I know there’s nothing back there; we don’t have the set built. Just look around the corner like the passage continues. We’ll have the monster attack you and we’ll worry about the set later. Good, yes you, you will scout ahead, yes and the monster attacks from the shadows. Battle ensues. Good, Cut! That’s a wrap. Ok onto next scene and meeting the (sigh) witch
(Scene 14, The temple)
Director: Ok before we get to the witch, we’re going to have you walk through an abandoned scary altar room. Our set for the witch’s chamber is still being built and apparently our witch still needs some costume work so if you would follow me over to the lot next door, they’re shooting a horror pic, and we were told we could use their set for a bit. Ok, there it is, wow nice altar. Wonder what their budget is? Oh well never mind. I want everyone to look around and examine things. Let the mood build, we’ll try and get some mist through there. Yep, examine everything take your time and CUT! Ok that’s lunch; we’ll meet back on our lot in about an hour hopefully our set and make-up problems will be solved by then.
(Scene 15, the fight against the witch)
Director: Ok, here we are, um…do you think that set is stable? Well, it looks pieced together….what, you say it’ll hold, ok we’ll have to go with it. I’m just saying that our set doesn’t look as good as the one next door, and holy crap what’s that?!? Yes, I can see that they’re skulls, that’s not what I’m talking about, what the hell are they in? A fel pool? What the hell is a fel pool, it smells terrible? Oh…something used by witches for their rituals. Well, I don’t like it…lose it…What? Subsidence? Oh we hit something in the sewer lines and that ooze started bubbling up, so you decided to disguise it as a fel pool so it would sort of blend in. Good thinking smells awful though, we’ll try to get this scene done quickly. Heck actors are mostly animals anyway, so they probably won’t notice.
(Holds up megaphone)
Director: Ok actors go in, you will encounter the witch and several of her minions, fight her, defeat her, and we’ll be done. Ok ACTION!
(The heroes are seen going into a chamber wherein lie several of the monsters they have met before, some giant spiders, and the evil witch)
Director: Ok dangle those spiders a bit more, make them look menacing. Hey you! Yes you, rogue-guy, stop holding your nose, I don’t care what you smell, just get in there. Ok good, encounter the spiders, and the monsters and fight them, and Holy crap, that’s an ugly witch. Good very menacing. I like the green, sort of looks all slimy. Not sure about the wings though, they don’t seem to flap very well, but at least it explains the flying about the room. Good good, Menace those heroes witch! Yep now throw some daggers at them. Good…Now monsters, fight. Ok you…um dwarf… charge up those stairs at her. What, they don’t look safe? Now the set guys informed me that they are perfectly safe, so try one. What…oh that didn’t sound good…yep that creaking better stay down, we’ll bring the fight to you. Yep might just want to back away from those stairs. Hey you two? Why aren’t you entering? The smell? Great, our elf and our unarmed warrior aren’t entering and what? Crap, You! Monster 2! I think you just knocked out one of the actors. What?! Oh he slipped in the slime. Crap! Oh well, keep rolling. Ok witch, go back to your starting mark and pretend to summon some more creatures and…What, there’s more creaking. Crap! EVERYONE OFF THE SET! IT’S GOING TO COLLAPSE!
(The actors sprint off the set just as it crashes to the ground; one of the brothers is able to pull the rogue from the room)
Director: Everyone ok? Ok good, I don’t think we can afford another wounded actor. Ok we’ll call it a day and try and salvage something out of this. Seeya tomorrow!
(The director is back in his office watching the day’s filming with his assistant)
Director: Ok, we had numerous problems today, well that’s what happens with rewrites, but I think most of it is salvageable. I only had one concern…See here, this part…the witch…she keeps fading in and out of the film. I think that green make-up she’s wearing isn’t being registered by our film. We’re going to have to shoot the whole damn thing over again. What? Since she’s a witch we’ll say she can go invisible? Saul, you’re a genius!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The stunning Second Adventure
The Second Adventure
We return to our story…already in progress…and approaching over budget.
(We see the director in a small, cluttered office, nervously talking on the phone to his producer)
Director: Well, yes…we did have a few problems. One of our actors playing the brothers got a bit injured in filming the last scene….What? No…he’ll be ok, he’s just going to be out for a few days, and we’ll film around him. I’ve already got Saul doing a few rewrites for me to mention his injury at the hands of the shark...yes, I know it was a sea lion, but since the action happened off camera, I thought I would use the scene cards to say it was a shark, because…you know…sharks just seem scarier. What?!? You liked the sea lion, what’s that…ok…ok…ok...uh huh…ok…ok, well I’ll just have the card say sea lion. Anything else, Sir? Uh huh…I see.
(Here we see the director sigh quietly and dejectedly while wiping his obviously sweaty forehead with his handkerchief)
Director: Ok, you say you really liked the magician whose no longer going to be a magician, so you thought we should go ahead and have one, but not him because you also like the idea of him being an ex-magician. Ok you’re confusing me a little with that sir. Oh, you want to introduce a new character that’s a magician full time, and since were down a brother, you also felt that this new character should use a bow. Well I would hate to second-guess you sir, since it’s your investment and all, but really the script just doesn’t seem to have room for another charac…ok you want one anyway. But sir, we’ve already begun filming and finding another actor at such short notice may prove dif…Oh you’ve already found one? Your nephew? (Sighs) I see sir, but does he have any acting experience per se?
(The director is now mimicking banging his head against his desk)
Director: Well I’m sure he could learn on the set sir, and you want him to be distinct from the others? He’s not a midget is he? No, darn, we could have given the dwarf a brother. Ok you want him to be a what? An elf? What’s an elf? Something else from Norse mythology like the dwarf? I see, well I guess we can do that, but really sir I think your love of Skaldic epics may be having undue influence on what I think was a really good script to begin with. What? Well, yes I guess it is your money and we can rewrite it the way you want. No I’m sure the screenwriter won’t mind. Yes sir, I’m sure they love it when people rewrite their work to improve on it. Yes, I’m sure he will probably thank me. Well if that’s all (crosses fingers) I’ll say goodbye now and go back to shooting with the changes you recommend. Thank you sir, you too, goodbye.
(The director takes a half-full bottle of scotch from beneath his desk, takes a swig from it and leaves his office and moves back towards the set)
Director: SAUL!!!! I’m going to need some rewrites. Put the card saying that one of the brothers was mauled by a sea lion back in. Apparently our producer thinks that sharks can’t be too menacing because people can just get out of the water, plus he says we couldn’t really film underwater anyway and we can’t really get a man in a shark suit to move like a real shark. He said because of these limitations nobody will ever make a shark movie that will see any profit and he isn’t going to throw his money away trying. Well anyway, let’s get to shooting.
(Scene 6, adventures back at the inn)
Director: Ok for this scene I want a little foreshadowing. The group is back at the inn where they’re going to talk to the female innkeeper, don’t worry we’ve gotten someone good looking and exotic for the part. Yep, part Japanese, a real looker. She’ll get kidnapped later, so I want a few good close-ups on her. Ok put up the card saying that the brother that was mauled is out of commission and good. CUT! Print it!
(Scene 7, the sheriff’s office)
Director: Ok now were back with the bald sheriff, we’re going to give some exposition into these goblin attacks and introduce the producer’s nephew. I mean the new elf here. Oh and make the woman that all of these people are trying to meet also be an elf, so it looks like this new guy isn’t the only one in the world. Ok good, cue the sheriff talk…talk…talk…Oh for Crissakes! Emote already! No…MORE! Yes that’s it, yes, yes, you’re doing great (rolls eyes) Ok the sheriff is going to leave the group in charge while he recruits more men to fight off the goblin attack
(Scene 8, the scrap heap)
Director: Ok not too much here. The group is looking for goblins but not finding any. Ok let’s have a bit of trash dropped on them for comic relief, ok good
(Scene 9, Foxglove’s breakfast)
Director: Ok here we’re going to have a nice breakfast with the rich nobleman the dwarf and the magician saved, good…good…this is just a bit of foreshadowing and a little bit of group bonding as these strangers are growing more comfortable with one another.
(Scene 10, the mayor’s office)
Director: Ok since the guy playing the sheriff is off sulking because he doesn’t like my direction, the heroes are in charge. They are going to meet the mayor who is played whom Saul? Oh over there? Could you point them out? The guy behind the woman? No? You mean the woman? What-the-hell Saul, nobody’s going to buy a female mayor. What? The producer’s sister? I thought the producer’s sister was the barmaid? Oh different sister…I see (sighs). Just out of curiosity Saul, How many family members does our beloved producer have that are going to be in this picture? What? I don’t want to know? Catholic you say? Fine, female mayor, whatever…let’s shoot it. Ok they meet the mayor. When they’re interrupted by a note mentioning the kidnapping. Great work with those midgets Saul, this one looks different from the others, very distinctive. Why is she barefoot?...ok I won’t worry about it, we’ll just go with it. CUT and Print!
(Scene 11 the glassblowers)
Director: Ok we’re going to have a big fight against the goblins here. They’ve kidnapped the sexy barkeep by sending her a note from her half-brother. Ok let the heroes really fight it out. Ok good lots of damage, no wait, you don’t jump through that…..window…Ok good not damaged, our insurance budget was running a bit high. Now good chase the mysterious um..elf…or whatever that’s behind the goblins, good capture him and let’s rescue the barmaid. Oh she’s tied up, not too sexy Saul, those crazy suffragettes will be all over us for that. Ok good, she’s rescued, the villain turns out to be her brother after all, but he’s not the overall master mind, good a dark mysterious tunnel leads off into the distance and CUT…that’s a wrap for today… See you all tomorrow bright and early.
We return to our story…already in progress…and approaching over budget.
(We see the director in a small, cluttered office, nervously talking on the phone to his producer)
Director: Well, yes…we did have a few problems. One of our actors playing the brothers got a bit injured in filming the last scene….What? No…he’ll be ok, he’s just going to be out for a few days, and we’ll film around him. I’ve already got Saul doing a few rewrites for me to mention his injury at the hands of the shark...yes, I know it was a sea lion, but since the action happened off camera, I thought I would use the scene cards to say it was a shark, because…you know…sharks just seem scarier. What?!? You liked the sea lion, what’s that…ok…ok…ok...uh huh…ok…ok, well I’ll just have the card say sea lion. Anything else, Sir? Uh huh…I see.
(Here we see the director sigh quietly and dejectedly while wiping his obviously sweaty forehead with his handkerchief)
Director: Ok, you say you really liked the magician whose no longer going to be a magician, so you thought we should go ahead and have one, but not him because you also like the idea of him being an ex-magician. Ok you’re confusing me a little with that sir. Oh, you want to introduce a new character that’s a magician full time, and since were down a brother, you also felt that this new character should use a bow. Well I would hate to second-guess you sir, since it’s your investment and all, but really the script just doesn’t seem to have room for another charac…ok you want one anyway. But sir, we’ve already begun filming and finding another actor at such short notice may prove dif…Oh you’ve already found one? Your nephew? (Sighs) I see sir, but does he have any acting experience per se?
(The director is now mimicking banging his head against his desk)
Director: Well I’m sure he could learn on the set sir, and you want him to be distinct from the others? He’s not a midget is he? No, darn, we could have given the dwarf a brother. Ok you want him to be a what? An elf? What’s an elf? Something else from Norse mythology like the dwarf? I see, well I guess we can do that, but really sir I think your love of Skaldic epics may be having undue influence on what I think was a really good script to begin with. What? Well, yes I guess it is your money and we can rewrite it the way you want. No I’m sure the screenwriter won’t mind. Yes sir, I’m sure they love it when people rewrite their work to improve on it. Yes, I’m sure he will probably thank me. Well if that’s all (crosses fingers) I’ll say goodbye now and go back to shooting with the changes you recommend. Thank you sir, you too, goodbye.
(The director takes a half-full bottle of scotch from beneath his desk, takes a swig from it and leaves his office and moves back towards the set)
Director: SAUL!!!! I’m going to need some rewrites. Put the card saying that one of the brothers was mauled by a sea lion back in. Apparently our producer thinks that sharks can’t be too menacing because people can just get out of the water, plus he says we couldn’t really film underwater anyway and we can’t really get a man in a shark suit to move like a real shark. He said because of these limitations nobody will ever make a shark movie that will see any profit and he isn’t going to throw his money away trying. Well anyway, let’s get to shooting.
(Scene 6, adventures back at the inn)
Director: Ok for this scene I want a little foreshadowing. The group is back at the inn where they’re going to talk to the female innkeeper, don’t worry we’ve gotten someone good looking and exotic for the part. Yep, part Japanese, a real looker. She’ll get kidnapped later, so I want a few good close-ups on her. Ok put up the card saying that the brother that was mauled is out of commission and good. CUT! Print it!
(Scene 7, the sheriff’s office)
Director: Ok now were back with the bald sheriff, we’re going to give some exposition into these goblin attacks and introduce the producer’s nephew. I mean the new elf here. Oh and make the woman that all of these people are trying to meet also be an elf, so it looks like this new guy isn’t the only one in the world. Ok good, cue the sheriff talk…talk…talk…Oh for Crissakes! Emote already! No…MORE! Yes that’s it, yes, yes, you’re doing great (rolls eyes) Ok the sheriff is going to leave the group in charge while he recruits more men to fight off the goblin attack
(Scene 8, the scrap heap)
Director: Ok not too much here. The group is looking for goblins but not finding any. Ok let’s have a bit of trash dropped on them for comic relief, ok good
(Scene 9, Foxglove’s breakfast)
Director: Ok here we’re going to have a nice breakfast with the rich nobleman the dwarf and the magician saved, good…good…this is just a bit of foreshadowing and a little bit of group bonding as these strangers are growing more comfortable with one another.
(Scene 10, the mayor’s office)
Director: Ok since the guy playing the sheriff is off sulking because he doesn’t like my direction, the heroes are in charge. They are going to meet the mayor who is played whom Saul? Oh over there? Could you point them out? The guy behind the woman? No? You mean the woman? What-the-hell Saul, nobody’s going to buy a female mayor. What? The producer’s sister? I thought the producer’s sister was the barmaid? Oh different sister…I see (sighs). Just out of curiosity Saul, How many family members does our beloved producer have that are going to be in this picture? What? I don’t want to know? Catholic you say? Fine, female mayor, whatever…let’s shoot it. Ok they meet the mayor. When they’re interrupted by a note mentioning the kidnapping. Great work with those midgets Saul, this one looks different from the others, very distinctive. Why is she barefoot?...ok I won’t worry about it, we’ll just go with it. CUT and Print!
(Scene 11 the glassblowers)
Director: Ok we’re going to have a big fight against the goblins here. They’ve kidnapped the sexy barkeep by sending her a note from her half-brother. Ok let the heroes really fight it out. Ok good lots of damage, no wait, you don’t jump through that…..window…Ok good not damaged, our insurance budget was running a bit high. Now good chase the mysterious um..elf…or whatever that’s behind the goblins, good capture him and let’s rescue the barmaid. Oh she’s tied up, not too sexy Saul, those crazy suffragettes will be all over us for that. Ok good, she’s rescued, the villain turns out to be her brother after all, but he’s not the overall master mind, good a dark mysterious tunnel leads off into the distance and CUT…that’s a wrap for today… See you all tomorrow bright and early.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The First Story
In the great expanse of history there have been many epic battles; the fall of Troy, Waterloo, the invasion of Normandy. But many battles although important, go unrecorded by the annals of history. This is one such struggle. Taking place not so long ago in a land that is now more imagination than substance… this is our story.
Hollywood, California 1916
(A director sits in his elevated chair waiting to shoot his first full-length picture)
Director: Saul! Let me see that script. (Reads script) What’s this? Revenge of the Goblin King? What the hell is that? I thought we were going to be shooting Revenge of the Troll King. What? Oh, the midgets worked cheaper did they? Well that’s good I guess we can do that, looks like we’re still ripping off that same Nibelung thing that the writer was going on about yesterday. But hey they’re still German, and still going to be the bad guys. That’ll show em for the Lusitania. Oh well let’s cue this thing and get rolling.
(Scene 1: the goblin attack)
Director: Ok good we’ve got a crowd scene, yep this is where our hero will meet his….What? Multiple heroes? The producer wants an ensemble picture? You think the audience will follow a multi-point narrative? Oh well it’s his money. Hey why’s that hairy midget not in his goblin costume? What he’s going to one of the heroes? A dwarf? One of the ancient enemies of the goblins? You think the audience is going to know that? Right I’ll flash it on a scene card. Ok let’s get rolling. ACTION!
(The scene is of a crowd milling about listening to some speeches)
Director: Ok crowd scene good, pretend to pay attention. CUT! Ok bald guy could you emote a little more the audience can’t hear you so you’ve really got to sell this with your movements? What, you’ve done Shakespeare? Well buddy you would have killed him with boredom if he had to watch this. Now take It from the top again and ACTION!
(The speeches continue for awhile until the crowd is dispersed by an attack of small, pointy-eared, bug-eyed creatures who begin chanting and lighting things on fire. The crowd panics)
Director: Good! Good! Go Goblins Ok dance a little, yep sway around. Yep show you teeth, menace the people. Ok cue the smoke, Ok good, good…no wait too much smoke we’re losing the shot, half the set is covered in smoke. Wait…do you smell that…is something actually burning? Pull the fire alarm. Out of the building people! SOMEBODY GET THAT FIRE UNDER CONTROL!
(A short while later)
Director: Ok we’re back to shooting same scene, a little less smoke this time. Ok let’s see that panic and close-up on our heroes. Ok the brothers….good…good…menace those goblins…yep….Ok now the rogue. Ok where the hell is he? What? He’s walked off set because he felt that his character’s motivation would be to rob the jewelry store in all the panic? Damn Stage Actors! Ok tell him to get back into the scene will go to one of the others? I don’t know Saul…tell him that he’s a thief with a heart of gold and he is going to mend his ways. Oh hell, tell him will change the sign later to say dry goods or something else he wouldn’t want to steal. I’m going to continue rolling. Ok good, good, we’ve got people fighting goblins, we’ve got goblins chanting and dancing, yep they look all menacing, and the camera pans and…What the hell?!? Why is that guy throwing fire-crackers at the goblins? What?!? Oh he’s a powerful magician that fights with spells? Do we have the budget for that? Oh, I see, later he’s going to give up his pursuit of magic to fight bare-fisted. That’s stupid! Why can’t he give it up to fight with a sword like everyone else? What? Oh no more armor, and a helmet would cover his face and he’s the most attractive actor we’ve got? Good thinking…and we can say that he still retains enough his residual magic to cast a protective shield upon himself, which will explain why he doesn’t get hit by all those swords. Excellent! Ok let’s have him and the dwarf guy run off and fight the goblin leader…yep, yep, that will bond them together…Good Good! Yep have the dwarf guy defeat him let’s make him look heroic, and that noblemen he’s saving…make him look more American so it will serve as a good message of us slugging into those lousy Hun bastards…Good idea on giving the goblin leader the spiked German helmet Saul, that should be suggestive enough. Good…good, and the leader is defeated, the others run away…CUT….print it.
(Scene 2 the heroes meet)
Director: Ok a tavern, the heroes all meet and get to know one another, good…good, some camaraderie is forming. Wait, why does that ugly barmaid keep getting into my shot? The producer’s sister? Ok…Ok…keep her in there. Ok we’ve got the heroes meeting, they’re talking, they’re revealing similar goal, they’re drinking to their victory…Wait, why are they swaying?!? Did they sneak in real alcohol? Great drunk actors, fine keep shooting, nobody can hear what they’re saying anyway thank god! I swear I’m voting for prohibition the next time it comes up on the ballot. Ok we’ve got enough camaraderie, put them to bed and have them sober for our next scene tomorrow?
(Scene 3 the graveyard)
Director: Ok I’ve just been informed that we can’t show the body-snatching scene, because it might be too graphic for audiences, so we’ll just show the heroes discussing it. Bring back that bald sheriff guy. He’ll help point them in the right direction and then gather up the local militia to support our heroes. Yep good, have the two brothers search around, we’ll make them some sort of super trackers, almost like blood-hounds. Good…good…they’ve got the trail and they’ll follow it out of town…and…CUT!
(Scene 4 on the goblin trail)
Director: Ok good, look sharp, our heroes have followed the goblins to their island lair…by-the-way, good model Saul, tell the prop-guys they did well. Ok the bald sheriff sends them on their own, they come to the lair, but oh no, they’ve got to pass through this tunnel of thorny reeds to get to it. What? No thorns? Well, pretend like they’re thorns and go through the tunnel. Ok we’re going in, the adventurers seem nervous, the tunnel is branching this way and that. They try and get their bearings when suddenly they come to a hole in the tunnel, they think that they can climb down and approach the lair secretly by sea….and CUT!
(Scene 5 the hole to the sea)
Director: Ok, ok, we’re sending the two brothers down….we’ll have the magician make a magic light so that they can see. What? You like that, yep, just thought of it. That magician angle may come in more useful than I thought. Ok lower them down…ok let the light illuminate the bones…ok they’re in the water and cue the shark attack and….WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I wanted a shark scene Saul; you’ve given me a guy in a rubber suit that looks like a retarded seal! Nobody’s going to be scared by a FUCKING SEAL! Grab the brothers out of the water. I was going to make this very emotional by having one of them killed by a shark and his brother swear eternal vengeance on the goblins, but I’m not having by best dramatic scene ruined by some seal-tard. CUT! That’s a wrap, burn that scene. Hell, anyone know if the actors still have some alcohol lying around. I need a drink.
Page: (loudly) A message for Mr. Smithee. The Producer needs to speak with you. Mr. Alan Smithee!
In the great expanse of history there have been many epic battles; the fall of Troy, Waterloo, the invasion of Normandy. But many battles although important, go unrecorded by the annals of history. This is one such struggle. Taking place not so long ago in a land that is now more imagination than substance… this is our story.
Hollywood, California 1916
(A director sits in his elevated chair waiting to shoot his first full-length picture)
Director: Saul! Let me see that script. (Reads script) What’s this? Revenge of the Goblin King? What the hell is that? I thought we were going to be shooting Revenge of the Troll King. What? Oh, the midgets worked cheaper did they? Well that’s good I guess we can do that, looks like we’re still ripping off that same Nibelung thing that the writer was going on about yesterday. But hey they’re still German, and still going to be the bad guys. That’ll show em for the Lusitania. Oh well let’s cue this thing and get rolling.
(Scene 1: the goblin attack)
Director: Ok good we’ve got a crowd scene, yep this is where our hero will meet his….What? Multiple heroes? The producer wants an ensemble picture? You think the audience will follow a multi-point narrative? Oh well it’s his money. Hey why’s that hairy midget not in his goblin costume? What he’s going to one of the heroes? A dwarf? One of the ancient enemies of the goblins? You think the audience is going to know that? Right I’ll flash it on a scene card. Ok let’s get rolling. ACTION!
(The scene is of a crowd milling about listening to some speeches)
Director: Ok crowd scene good, pretend to pay attention. CUT! Ok bald guy could you emote a little more the audience can’t hear you so you’ve really got to sell this with your movements? What, you’ve done Shakespeare? Well buddy you would have killed him with boredom if he had to watch this. Now take It from the top again and ACTION!
(The speeches continue for awhile until the crowd is dispersed by an attack of small, pointy-eared, bug-eyed creatures who begin chanting and lighting things on fire. The crowd panics)
Director: Good! Good! Go Goblins Ok dance a little, yep sway around. Yep show you teeth, menace the people. Ok cue the smoke, Ok good, good…no wait too much smoke we’re losing the shot, half the set is covered in smoke. Wait…do you smell that…is something actually burning? Pull the fire alarm. Out of the building people! SOMEBODY GET THAT FIRE UNDER CONTROL!
(A short while later)
Director: Ok we’re back to shooting same scene, a little less smoke this time. Ok let’s see that panic and close-up on our heroes. Ok the brothers….good…good…menace those goblins…yep….Ok now the rogue. Ok where the hell is he? What? He’s walked off set because he felt that his character’s motivation would be to rob the jewelry store in all the panic? Damn Stage Actors! Ok tell him to get back into the scene will go to one of the others? I don’t know Saul…tell him that he’s a thief with a heart of gold and he is going to mend his ways. Oh hell, tell him will change the sign later to say dry goods or something else he wouldn’t want to steal. I’m going to continue rolling. Ok good, good, we’ve got people fighting goblins, we’ve got goblins chanting and dancing, yep they look all menacing, and the camera pans and…What the hell?!? Why is that guy throwing fire-crackers at the goblins? What?!? Oh he’s a powerful magician that fights with spells? Do we have the budget for that? Oh, I see, later he’s going to give up his pursuit of magic to fight bare-fisted. That’s stupid! Why can’t he give it up to fight with a sword like everyone else? What? Oh no more armor, and a helmet would cover his face and he’s the most attractive actor we’ve got? Good thinking…and we can say that he still retains enough his residual magic to cast a protective shield upon himself, which will explain why he doesn’t get hit by all those swords. Excellent! Ok let’s have him and the dwarf guy run off and fight the goblin leader…yep, yep, that will bond them together…Good Good! Yep have the dwarf guy defeat him let’s make him look heroic, and that noblemen he’s saving…make him look more American so it will serve as a good message of us slugging into those lousy Hun bastards…Good idea on giving the goblin leader the spiked German helmet Saul, that should be suggestive enough. Good…good, and the leader is defeated, the others run away…CUT….print it.
(Scene 2 the heroes meet)
Director: Ok a tavern, the heroes all meet and get to know one another, good…good, some camaraderie is forming. Wait, why does that ugly barmaid keep getting into my shot? The producer’s sister? Ok…Ok…keep her in there. Ok we’ve got the heroes meeting, they’re talking, they’re revealing similar goal, they’re drinking to their victory…Wait, why are they swaying?!? Did they sneak in real alcohol? Great drunk actors, fine keep shooting, nobody can hear what they’re saying anyway thank god! I swear I’m voting for prohibition the next time it comes up on the ballot. Ok we’ve got enough camaraderie, put them to bed and have them sober for our next scene tomorrow?
(Scene 3 the graveyard)
Director: Ok I’ve just been informed that we can’t show the body-snatching scene, because it might be too graphic for audiences, so we’ll just show the heroes discussing it. Bring back that bald sheriff guy. He’ll help point them in the right direction and then gather up the local militia to support our heroes. Yep good, have the two brothers search around, we’ll make them some sort of super trackers, almost like blood-hounds. Good…good…they’ve got the trail and they’ll follow it out of town…and…CUT!
(Scene 4 on the goblin trail)
Director: Ok good, look sharp, our heroes have followed the goblins to their island lair…by-the-way, good model Saul, tell the prop-guys they did well. Ok the bald sheriff sends them on their own, they come to the lair, but oh no, they’ve got to pass through this tunnel of thorny reeds to get to it. What? No thorns? Well, pretend like they’re thorns and go through the tunnel. Ok we’re going in, the adventurers seem nervous, the tunnel is branching this way and that. They try and get their bearings when suddenly they come to a hole in the tunnel, they think that they can climb down and approach the lair secretly by sea….and CUT!
(Scene 5 the hole to the sea)
Director: Ok, ok, we’re sending the two brothers down….we’ll have the magician make a magic light so that they can see. What? You like that, yep, just thought of it. That magician angle may come in more useful than I thought. Ok lower them down…ok let the light illuminate the bones…ok they’re in the water and cue the shark attack and….WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I wanted a shark scene Saul; you’ve given me a guy in a rubber suit that looks like a retarded seal! Nobody’s going to be scared by a FUCKING SEAL! Grab the brothers out of the water. I was going to make this very emotional by having one of them killed by a shark and his brother swear eternal vengeance on the goblins, but I’m not having by best dramatic scene ruined by some seal-tard. CUT! That’s a wrap, burn that scene. Hell, anyone know if the actors still have some alcohol lying around. I need a drink.
Page: (loudly) A message for Mr. Smithee. The Producer needs to speak with you. Mr. Alan Smithee!
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